Dear Bishop

Altar calls? At conference? Do you have any idea how uncomfortable altar calls are for some people? For a person? For me?

Do you even care?

Altar calls are very "baptist" in my perceiving mind and thinking. We are United Methodists! My only experience with altar calls has been at my mammaw's southern baptist church in New Mexico; Temple Baptist Church specifically, where Reverend Penrod would reward members for inviting friends to church. Where Reverend Penrod would call the adults to come put their house in order all while his own house was fraudulent and unscrupulous. 

Sunday School was a joke. Rewards for bringing your friends. I didn't have friends I could, or would, ever invite to that church. I received no prizes. But some brought many friends. A few earned themselves a shiny new television set. That was what Sunday School was, a means of earned grace - favour in the eyes of the pastor. Works above faith, because as we all know "faith without works is dead". Right?

And church was no better. Fire and brimstone for the sinner spouted from a preacher who beat his wife, embezzled funds, and displaced deacons right and left. Then came the altar call. I heard the murmurs, the talk; I was 8 years old, why was I not going forward and "accepting Christ"? 2 reasons you old ladies: 1) Christ doesn't need my acceptance, and 2) I hear the words of judgement you spit out about everyone who goes to the altar for prayer, for confession, for a clean heart and a clean slate. Music playing Just As I Am does not drown out your whispered, critical words. So what if he had an affair, if she goes to the bar after dark, that they like to "swing". Let God judge the sinner, YOU tend to YOU!

I would never subject myself to that...gossip. Ever. And yet - 

and yet, 

i did. 

Before my 17th birthday, before my parents were to remarry, each other. Strange yes, I know. As soon as my mother announced her intentions I found my way into the little sanctuary of Hacienda Baptist Church. An there, before God and people I barely knew, I confessed my need for Jesus Christ. But it was a fluke thing that did not ever stick, or was never real...don't know which. I am never assured I have opened the door to the ever knocking Jesus. I lack the ability to trust. And because I trust nothing I feel no assurance, and that is terrifying. So I work. I “serve”. Because after all, 

"faith without works is dead".

I am not comfortable with altar calls. Church is very abusive to some people. To one person. To me.

Thank you for listening to my rant, Bishop. 

meMonica

It's Not Supposed To Be ...

... Me!

I am not the one who is supposed to be doing this.

I am not the one who went to seminary.

I am not a minister.

Why would he announce that he will still be our pastor and yet shirk ALL of his worship responsibilities? Why did I feel obligated to step in and come up with the services? 

I can't do this!! It is too hard!! It is beyond my capabilities!!

I am tired...

And I am spent...

There is nothing left within me...

I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers, and cry.

Ministry to the ... Whom?

It has been a VERY long time since my last blog post ... this, in fact, is the first of 2014 and we are now fully three months into the new year!

As you all know, I tend to fly off the handle over the littlest of things. At least now I find that I can write the rave out in an email and never send it, but I do feel better after the vent. This then, is yet, another of those "unsent" emails. 

This is addressed to Pastor Roy:

When Rev. Carson met with the SPRC in February, he asked us a question about the community around our church. I had heard, at one time, Pastor Jeff say that the community around St. Mark's is largely single mothers. I don't know how accurate that is. I mostly see elderly right behind the church. White. Middle class. Cherry Acres has more Blacks. Younger, maybe. Even there though I don't see as many children as I once did. Rev. Carson asked if we were ministering to the people God is bringing to us or are we too focused on youth. I do get that the young is the future of anything, including churches. I also believe that the Methodist church no longer practices the Wesley methodology...we do not go to prisons, we do not go to the hospitals, we no longer educate the children of the poor. Preschool is now offered through the city for three year olds, especially those below a certain income. Sunday school is no longer the place to educate children as it was in Wesley's day. And families are much more mobile now than in the past. Gone are the days of the generational church. And there are many sports and arts programs that devour the time of our children and there parents. Sunday is no longer sabbath, sacred. Church is not competitive against the morays of society. As a parent, when my kids were young, I chose to ensure my kids did not play sports on Sunday. Not many parents do that. Sports are competitive, and an edge is needed for scholarships, for college, for a shot at a future and it all begins when in youth sports on traveling teams. And quite honestly, young people today want to be entertained and church isn't entertaining, unless it is a Water's Edge style church that is hugely fun, highly scripted, well rehearsed. Maybe Rev. Carson is right and we should develop ministries to those God is bringing us...the more aged than young. We have so many folks who came to us from the Chamberlain, folks who are active, involved, stepping into positions of leadership. Folks like the Bollenbachers, the Storches, the Griffiths. Ageless Warriors is one of our most successful ministries. As is/was (is it still going?) the Chamberlain Bible Study. If these are the people God is placing in our paths, why do we struggle so with resources and finances we don't have to try to lure young families with children? Have we ever gone to God and asked for His guidance? Churches are tidal, there is an ebb and flow. Right now we seem grey headed, slow footed, sightless, and deaf but we are doing powerful work. Five years ago we had so many infants the nursery nearly burst at the seams. I am confident we will again, eventually...maybe in a St. Mark's that looks very different than now and maybe not in my lifetime. For now God is bringing us people who are 55 and older. They are capable, competent, and willing. I say let's pray for more Bollenbachers. Let's form ministry programs that will serve them and through which they may serve. Let us increase our acts of mercy. Let us act justly. Advocate for systemic change to improve the lives of the disadvantaged. Let us be salty to show the flavors of God to those who need a taste of life. Let us be light to show the colors of God to those who live in the shadow. The grey headed are not yet dead, there is life in this church. Let us remain optimistic and encouraging. The cup is not half empty. 

I don't know the future of Kids for Christ. Was it innovative? Yes. Do the children it serves enjoy it? Yes. Are they learning about God, Christ, the Holy Spirit, Scripture, Prayer? I don't know. They play games, run around, learn about cooperation, trust, fairness, taking turns and sharing. Has the program grown? No. Has it met any of the expectations of you, the students, SPRC, or Ad Council? No. Why? Because there was no congregational ownership? Because the parents were never encouraged to get excited about the program? To volunteer in the program? To support the program? Because parents today are just flat out different than I was and people older than I are? I participated in every age and stage of my children's life stages. Preschool choir, I brought snacks and set up the snack room with other parents. Early elementary, I worked with another mother on a children's ministry program. Late elementary, I taught Sunday School. I volunteered at VBS as they went through elementary school. Ted volunteered in youth as they hit middle school. I directed youth bell choir and helped with the children's bell choir and drama. Now my kids are grown. I have no grandchildren. I did my service to ensure my children had programs and activities. Parents today don't do that. It's sad really. Parents today seem to only want the easy path, programs and ministries that are already fully established and highly functional, programs that require no work or commitment from them, programs that allow them to forget they have children for an hour or two. At least it seems that way to me. I don't think you should be putting your energies into Kids for Christ any longer. Come May, your investment is spent and ours takes over. Now you need to focus on your primary job, worship. We had a worship committee meeting tonight and not one of use knew if you want to do a Maundy Thursday Service or Good Friday Service. Those are important days in the life of the church and we have no idea what is going on. And after? Pentecost, then your last Sunday.  What are the plans for worship that day?

I'm sorry I'm not saying anything you want to hear. You came to a church very much led by its minister and that, without that "we will do this" guidance, is lost and floundering. I think the leadership expected you to be the same...have the creativity, imagination, and charisma to pull us along with you but you weren't that way. You came off sabbatical expecting to find a high functioning church with great leaders. Instead you found a bunch of whiny babies who didn't want to work to lead but to instead just follow. 

I will lead worship Sunday if you do leave town. I tried to talk Shelby into working with the children but she is uncomfortable doing that. She is at the age where she is searching, seeking, and questioning her own beliefs and feels she is inappropriate to lead others in spiritual formation. And honestly, if that isn't what Kids for Christ is doing, developing spiritual formation and disciplines in our children, then it failed before it began. 

Sent from my mini

Comparisons (as such)

I have been pondering, as of late, the relationship between the Shepherd and his/her flock of sheep. 

I know of this relationship quite well, through all of the Christian teachings I have had from childhood through adulthood. It is, of course, a metaphor of Jesus Christ the Shepherd and the persons who believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God being the sheep. Jesus, with his shepherd's crook, diligently watches over his flock. He counts his sheep morning, noon, and night. He knows when even one little sheep or lamb has wandered away or been led astray and He goes seeking the lost to bring it home. He keeps watch that evil wolves do not slip past him to injure even one of his sheep. He watches for thieves that may steal into the night and take His lambs. I imagine Jesus upon a hill that gives Him full view of the entire pasture and maybe even the pastures, hills, and wilds that are all around. In the valley are His sheep, munching peacefully on the grasses, nibbling gaily at the clover, romping and frolicking through the wildflowers. It is a very pleasant vision that I have in my head.

Now, if I take this metaphor from the "big" picture and localize it ... well, this is what I envision  ...

The minister is the shepherd and the congregation his flock. The minister keeps watch over his flock; he guides them to the clear, clean waters and to the sweet tasting grasses. When one of the sheep gets hurt, he goes to it, tends the wounds, takes it to be refreshed and revitalized. When one of the lambs/sheep wanders too far away, he goes after it. He keeps an eye out for things that would tempt his sheep, the wolf in sheep's clothing that could corrupt or destroy a little lamb or sheep. And just as I have imagined Jesus upon a hill for the full vantage point, I imagine the minister upon a hill ... how else can he see the goings on of all of his flock?

And now to focus specifically upon St. Mark's United Methodist Church, the flock, and Pastor Roy P. White, the shepherd ...

Pastor White seems to be a very nonchalant shepherd. It seems, from my point of view - a sheep in the valley - that our shepherd spends a great deal of time resting under the big oak tree, or looking behind him towards his home (which is really not very near to the pasture that IS St. Mark's). I believe that often times he is asleep, his eyes closed and his breathing even and steady. He is unaware of what his flock is doing, where they are going, who has wandered into its midst, if the water is crystal clear or has become muddied, the grass over-run with weeds. From my point of view, as a sheep of the flock, he seems not to care about the flock as a whole. He cares for a few of the sheep specifically, all of the lambs that he sees frequently but the majority of the flock are floundering and lost. 

There are small "pockets" of sheep gatherings ... 

... they gather by the muddied water and mumble to each other about the stream doesn't flow as it once did. The source is blocked by a myriad of negativism that seems to come from the hill the shepherd lies upon. The shepherd's lack of enthusiasm has caused stagnation. How do we clear these heavy, moss covered stones so that the water flows once again?

... they gather by the fence line, wishing that their grass looked as green and abundant as the grass on the other side of the fence. Some slip through the gaps in the fence and never return, others whisper their desires to go but then, looking back at their flock of friends and family, feel stuck. How can we get our brothers and sisters back from the tall, thick green grasses when our own grasses are filled with weeds and brambles that hurt? How can we enjoy the tall, thick green grasses when our hearts would ache so for those we left?

... they huddle in small groups trying their best to bolster each other, mend the hurting heart, heal the broken spirit, guide the disheartened who feel so lost. They look up at the shepherd who seems to have not even noticed the hurting, injured sheep and shake their heads. When will he begin to care for us? When will come into our midst and listen to our pains? When will he come bring us home?

I want to go to Pastor Roy and tell him that we need a REAL shepherd. We need him to take his shepherd's crook and lead us to fresh water and green grasses. We need him to go to the hurt, the injured, and gently lift them and carry them towards healing - if not physical healing then at least spiritual healing. We need him to keep a positive outlook on the direction his flock needs to go. It is his motivations, His enthusiasm, HIS joy for the work of the church that will infect into each and every one of us and give us enthusiasm, motivation, and joy.

I want to tell him that not visiting all of our church members who are hurt, injured, or lost is abandoning them. 

I want to tell him that we do not invite others to come to our pasture because there is nothing pleasant about our pasture ... the grass truly is greener on the other side. When we dread even entering our valley each day with a dismissive shepherd, why would we want to invite another? If there is no evangelism, then there are no new faces. Those who do wander into our pasture, we greet wholeheartedly. They stay for a few weeks, a month or two, but then they move on to the pastures with the greener grasses. 

We have no pastor led Bible Study, no spiritual growth...nothing, that is, that is led by our shepherd. We set up our own studies, small group, Bible Studies and desperately grasp at straws to draw the correct interpretation of scripture. We flounder.

We don't know each other any longer ... gone are the days of Sunday night suppers, Sunday afternoon picnics, ice cream socials ... the things that would unite the first and second service folks ... the things that made us a family.

We are demoralized. Struggling with lack of programs, lack of participation, lack of committees and leaders and ways to revitalize ourselves. We whisper in the hallways, call each other on the phone. We mumble to each other the things that we believe are failing, things that we wish we were doing, things that we would like to try, how we can succeed. But all of that is within dark shadows, small groups, couples. None are brave enough to bring these concerns into the light. None willing to say, HEY! We NEED DIRECTION!! GUIDE US!!!

I can do it ... I may yet do it. I hear from too many people who are disappointed that Pastor Roy is returning for yet another year. To many people who see the dying church on it's final breath and who fear that another year with Pastor Roy will be like taking a wounded horse to the back of the barn and shooting it. 

I too feel it. Going to one service is admitting that yes, we are a declining church that cares more about hunkering down and surviving for as long as we can rather than revitalizing no matter the cost. And what is that cost? What does revitalization look like? What changes must we each make, individually, to ensure not only the survival of St. Mark's but the thriving of St. Mark's.

I know what surviving is - it is merely going through the motions of living but not engaging in life, it is putting on the pretty colors, painting on the smile, and pretending that everything is alright. Thriving is experiencing new things, trying to be something different, remaking yourself, shaping who you are into something that you like; thriving is living life, not cowering from it ... engaging life, not dismissing it ... enjoying life, without pretense. Thriving is being proactive, not reactive.

A good shepherd is proactive ... our shepherd is reactive and I guess he has been since the day he stepped foot into our fold. 

Someone needs to tell him. I guess that someone will be me...       

... heavy sigh ...

I have realized the injustice that was done through the SPRC committee in regards to the way we all handled (or failed to handle) the Adam Flores situation that arose at this time nearly three Easters ago. It's hard to believe it this will be the  third Easter  - the hurt is still so raw to me personally. The mention of the name Adam Flores still causes my heart pain and my stomach to flinch. I still see red after all this time. And what is worse is the part that the SPRC committee played, inadvertently played but played all just the same.

What SHOULD have happened was that Adam Flores should have been fired for indecent proposals/propositions to a lay member directly under his supervision. What SHOULD have happened was that charges on behalf of the lay member should have filed. What SHOULD have happened was to not let the attorney on the behalf of the church settle the case. THAT action let Adam Flores off WAY too easily. Adam Flores should have been prosecuted under the law and his records should ever more show that he IS a SEXUAL PREDATOR!

But alas.

Shame on us...all of us.

And now, three years later, there are members of our congregation that are "pining" for the "good ole days" of Adam Flores. There is one in particular, one who SHOULD even KNOW better, who is stating clearly to Pastor Roy that she longs for the return of Adam Flores. SERIOUSLY?! Trish, do I slap you around NOW? YOU of all people should know the damage he has done to not just one woman but a couple of women; ONE who lives  with you RIGHT NOW - who is so messed up that she is in the depths and bowels of depression, eating herself into obesity, and wallowing in self-loathing and self-pity. WHY?! Why, Trish, would you go to Pastor Roy and pine for Adam Flores?! For a SEXUAL PREDATOR!?!!!!???!!!

And me, me who was on the SPRC at that time, can say NOTHING to her. NOTHING! Remember how this blog started so many years ago - censured? Well, now I am censured again. Some stupid legal bullarky that states that we, as SPRC, cannot talk about the release of Adam Flores. Is SPRC a hat that I can NEVER take off? Is this something that I will NEVER be able to vent about, EVER?! Will I be prohibited from telling Trish what a goomba she is being for ever and ever amen, even when I'm not ON the SPRC?!??

This iS LUDICROUS!!!!

I did do a very VERY bad thing. I did go to someone who works for the Hampton City School Division and tell her, "if you EVER see the name Adam Flores come across your desk, do NOT hire him. Adam Flores is a SEXUAL PREDATOR and young girls do NOT need to be exposed to this man!" Was I wrong? I don't know. My heart tells me that what I did was right. That THAT man would even consider working as a teacher is just beyond my scope of understanding. He has been let go at three United Methodist Church's now ... his records SHOULD have a black balled mark, a huge stamp across his face, a horrible disfiguring check mark that forever travels with him in whatever career pursuits he endeavours upon.

But no ...

sadly, no ...

So I vent here...it doesn't help. I am still seeing red, seething inside, desiring revenge that includes not only emasculating the man but also turning him into an eunuch.

heavy sigh ...

... heavy sigh ...

The Four Dis's

I've been thinking alot lately (nothing new for me, I know). I am dis-gruntled, dis-content, dis-appointed with worship lately ... mostly with the "new" minister (who really isn't "new" at all now after 18 months). Unfortunately, all these "dis"'s make for a very dis-heartening Sunday morning. I get nothing out of worship as of late because of the dis-satisfaction. I know, I know ... worship isn't just about me, the sermon isn't meant just for me, I may not get anything out of it but somebody sitting there did. I know. I get all of that. However... 

The other morning I spent an hour on the phone with a dear friend and we discussed all the "dis"'s that we are feeling; yes WE, BOTH of us. If two of us are on the same page, could there be more? Hmm ...

The morning conversation didn't begin negatively at all, no in fact she had called to discuss the Spring Fling and using that money towards the purchase of the new choir robes. But when one or both persons in the conversation find themselves to be dis-gruntled, dis-content, dis-appointed, and dis-satisfied well all those "dis"'s just naturally make it into the dis-cussion. For all intent and purpose the two of us spent maybe five minutes on the Spring Fling and 55 minutes on the "dis"'s of the "new" minister - to the point of singing the praises of the former minister (and those of you who have read ANY of my blogs here or on myspace KNOW the difficulties we had with him!).

It seems that we are falling into a rut. This "new" minister seems ever so negative, dwelling in the past, and unable to utilize the lay leadership of the church. The "new" minister gripes and grumbles so horrendously that all we, well I, seem to get from the negative vibes is a sense of foreboding. It seems that at every turn the "new" minister is dis-gruntled, dis-content, dis-appointed, and dis-satisfied. Now that may not be true, but that IS how it seems. Maybe it is all the "dis" vibes from the "new" minister that has both myself and my dear friend being influenced by our own "dis"'s. Hmm ...

At any rate, nothing was solved in our hour long conversation ... we still have the "new" minister and it looks like we'll be stuck with him for another year (unless - unless enough of us from SPRC approach the chair and claim a change of heart and he goes to the District Superintendent and begs for a change ... hmm, that might just work!). 

One of the best aspects of the previous minister was that there was never negativity from the pulpit. Our attendance may have been tanked (which really it wasn't) but there was never a peep of "dis" anything from the pulpit. Our finances might have been worrisome (which I suppose they really were) but we never heard a word of that from the pulpit. No, the previous minister was fantastic at always encouraging and uplifting. We may have had numbers and data kept from us but by golly gee whiz we left there feeling fabulous about ourselves and the state of the church. Now, though, it seems every Sunday we leave (well I leave) trudging out of the sanctuary, feeling duly reprimanded for NOT doing my part to help grow attendance, to help offset our ever growing debtedness, to "make disciples for Christ" (as if I even know what "make disciples" means). I HATE feeling as if I'm not doing enough when in fact I do MORE than enough. Just because I don't "invite" neighbors, friends, or family or whatever to come to my church. Hey, witness and evangelism are NOT my gifts. Leave that to those who are gifted at that. My gifts are faith, generosity, hospitality and administration. Let me do my gifts because I can do those extremely well. Quit harping on me each and every Sunday to "invite". I'm getting so tired of hearing "invite", "invite", "invite" each and every Sunday from both the pulpit and the children's message. 

Ok, off my soap box, end of rant. Just wanted to air (yet again because I already did to both myTed and myBff!

Election Day 2012

So I am standing in line at the polls, a ridiculously long line btw, with myShelby when Destiny walks up to us. She has come with her grandparents and cousin to the precinct. She stated that her government class held a mock election and of course Obama won. She thought it crazy that the class, 97% black, would hold mock elections because she, of course, knew the outcome would be Obama overwhelmingly. "We are a majority black school after all", was her statement. I thought that sad quite honestly. Was she saying that she and other black children at Hampton High School were voting for Obama simply because he was black? Or was she implying that the black population is overwhelmingly Democratic?

I would like to believe that the government class focused on the issues, highlighted the campaign proposals and promises of each candidate, discussed the pros and cons of the "ifs" ("if" Obama is re-elected ... or "if" Romney wins the presidency ...), and then made informed election votes. And maybe they did, she didn't go into any further detail and I, surrounded by a population of 94% black in line at the precinct, was not brave enough to question this mock election and point out such basic points of the election process as informed decision. I simply assumed that there is a "the government needs to care for me" mentality that the black population has that leads them to vote democratic. I pray that I am wrong.

I should have prayed for discernment from God prior to taking pen to ballot, but I didn't. My thoughts turned to the many United Methodist Women Priorities, how each party would or wouldn't support those 11 priorities. I believe my bent is shifting to a more liberal stance, but not so far liberal as to believe that the rich must pay for benefits the poor receive. We should eliminate poverty, I agree, but not by making the rich exclusively pay. There are no easy answers. The wealthy subscribe to many altruistic deeds and support many charities. The wealthy tithe to their churches. The wealthy do give, and some give until it hurts. But that hasn't eliminated poverty. Poverty can only be eliminated systematically. The government itself needs to stop applying bandages, needs to stop simply giving just to give, just because it can. Charity solves nothing. Justice fixes the problem. The government needs to get to the root issues of the problem and seek a cure to the cause, fix the brokenness.

Ok, off my soap box. Sorry.

Jeff Sucks!

Phil,

I am hugely mad at Jeff and I probably should have talked to you personally instead of venting to Samantha and for that I am so sorry. Please please accept my apology. 

Mark (our best candidate for the position of Directory of Music Ministry) withdrew his resume for the position because of ill feelings that he got from Jeff as well as the fact that he applied a month ago and it seems (to him) that there has been one road block after another. The thing that made me really mad was that Jeff called Mark to talk to him (which Jeff says he has the right to do because he has to work with the Director of Music Ministry - I don't agree and I told Jeff so myself when I found out that he'd met with Regina, Betty, and Mark before I even contacted them!) and during the course of their conversation Jeff informed Mark that about the foibles of Adam (a person Mark does not know), about how mediocre the choir is, how there are some voices in the choir that are absolutely grating and that he (Jeff) wants an excellent music program. First, I'm in the choir and I'm offended that Jeff thinks we are mediocre. Second I'm hugely mad that he sabotaged our music ministry program by berating us in front of a potential Music Director. Third Jeff caused the absolute best candidate (and probably the one person who could turn our Music Ministry around) to have second thoughts about working at St. Marks.

I did tell Mark that Jeff does want excellence in his worship program. That Adam picked the hymns, the affirmation of faith, the praise songs, the choral call to prayer, prelude, postlude and when anything went wrong in worship Adam heard about it. I also told Mark that Jeff has grown this church successfully, we have more young families than in the history of the church, that he is great individually with a person or family that is in crisis and bends over backwards to be there for them in the crisis. However, he can be difficult to work with. 

Mark's wife told Mark after he met with Jeff in July that she believed he should not take the position and after I called Mark tonight and told him that we could not vote tonight because we lacked the PPR committee members he determined that this was God telling him to stay put where he is. Besides, Langley is offering to extend his contract and make it a 5 year deal. I couldn't argue with that. 

It hurts that Jeff would degrade his own choir in front of a stranger like that. I am finding more and more that I am beginning to despise Jeff and I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry to dump that on you. I am in a heck of a lot of committees in this church - I hear and see and heck of a lot of things. I hear the stories of those that have been hurt by Jeff (like George Curtis). I hear the stories of those who won't tell Jeff anything personal because they believe he will blab it all over the church and they want their privacy. I've shared in the difficulties of FLC overbooking because Jeff allows organizations to book over top of other organizations. I've had my own personal experiences of hurt and pain that Jeff has caused me personally. So yes, right at this moment I despise that man. I will get over it by morning, I always do. But I wanted to share this all with you while it is still fresh in my mind, while it still stings and while I'm still aching. He is a two-faced manipulator who dictates and seduces in order to get what he wants. I want him gone from this church. Is that detrimental to the church? Maybe. But that's how much I hurt right at this moment. 

I figure you'll share this him because you just will and he'll be hugely mad at me for saying any of this to you but right now I honestly don't care. Tomorrow maybe I'll feel way differently and wish that I'd not sent you this great big long e-mail, wish that I'd not made myself so vulnerable to hurt by you and by Jeff but not tonight, not right now. Right now I just had to purge it from me. Right now I just had to ask if I'm the only one who sees Jeff for who he is. Right now I just wanted you to know the kind of person he really is. 

I'm sorry, Phil. 

I also think that if I really am not a voting member of PPR then I shouldn't have the authority to form and lead a sub-committee to hire any of the music personnel. I will, if you want me to to but just know that I have no vote and so my voice is very limited. Maybe it would be better if you yourself hired the music personnel and just let me return to being a mediocre voice in the choir and the praise team.

Sorry. Really.

memonica