Blah.

Blah.

1. Apple juice or orange juice? Orange.
2. Are you a morning or night person? Both actually. 
3. Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods? Salty ones.
4. Ninjas or pirates? Pirates.
5. Autobots or Decepticons? Decepticons.
6. What was your favorite childhood television program? Star Trek..
7. Are you a collector of anything? Stuffed Animals. 
8. If you could be any animal, what would you be? Wow oh wow ... um ... a Unicorn..
9. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Camouflage.
10. What is usually your first thought when you wake up? Thank you. 
11. What do you usually think about right before falling asleep? The day.
12. What’s your favorite color? Rapidly becoming green. 
13. What’s your favorite animal? Um ... otter.
14. Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets? Yes
15. Do you believe in ghosts? Nope, it’s all in our heads. 
16. Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Yes.. 
17. You’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on? House, car, tithe, new computer.
18. Have any bad habits? Yes.
19. Have any celebrity crushes? Yes. 
20. List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself: My laziness. 
21. Any tattoos or piercings? Yes.
22. What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Eyes. 
23. Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years? Still married, yes.
24. Are you mostly a clean or messy person? Messy.
25. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? New Zealand.
26. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Australia. 
27. List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list:
- Have a good job.
- Get my Master's Degree.
- Kids are happy and content.
- Have fun in my retirement.
- Die in my sleep. 
28. Name 1 regret you have: None.
29. Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid: Being a kid. 
30. What’s your favorite song of the moment? Better Than A Halleluja.
31. What’s your favorite song of all time? Don’t know.
32. What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night? Depends on the mood.
33. Have any hidden talents? No.
34. You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal? Mexican.
35. What would be your dream job? Psychiatrist. 
36. Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love? 100 million dollars.
37. If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? 
- To meet Jesus.
- To be eternally 36.
- To have my family with me always.
38. Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? Yes.
39. If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? Why would I have to change my name?
40. Do you believe in the afterlife? Yes.

Memorial Day - Remember.

the difference

between


night


and 


day

death visited

death comes to all ... ah, but what a gentle sleep

Haiku Experience

quick burst of bright light
and then deep growling rumbles;
refreshing spring rain.

Haiku Experience

my enemy mine,
you enabled them mother;
i know that you knew.

Punishment

"So you were sexually abused."
"No, it was abuse, just plain ole' physical abuse. I was punished."
"When an adult uses any child for sex it's sexual abuse."


So, I looked it up on the web when I got home.


The National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect defines child sexual assault as: "Contacts or interactions between a child and an adult when the child is being used for sexual stimulation of the perpetrator or another person when the perpetrator or another person is in a position of power or control over the victim."


See Dr. T., I wasn't sexually abused!

Pencilmation #8: DiscOh-No!

Haiku Experience

enjoying myself
while bell choir reminiscing;
old techniques once new.






*i was telling suanne about a technique that is in a song we're currently doing - i remember the exact song the exact year that we were practicing it for the first time. 1994, The Lion King, Grace UMC in Alamogordo NM. I LOVED that song. It was full of "new" techniques that are all old hat now. :) * 

YOUniquely You

Haiku Experience

sitting in the lounge,
the interesting small talk,
watching the people.

Faces In The Trees

"Do you ever see faces in things?" I ask my husband whose back is to me.
He sighs heavily and shifts in the bed knowing that sleep would  elude him for now.
"What do you mean?" he mumbles.
"Well, I see faces in everything - like the leaves in the trees" I respond, looking into the face of a young child dancing in the trees in our backyard.
"What do you see?" he asked. "A little girl," I begin, "with ... wait, it's changing, morphing."
I watch as the face lengthens and matures. "There is a moustache and the hair is long, well it covers the ears," I correct myself, "and the hair on the ... left side of his face covers his eye slightly."
He doesn't say anything other than a soft 'hm'. I hear the sound of water and get out of bed to check that it isn't the toilet in our bathroom.
"I hear water," I say, returning to bed, "but jiggling the handle proved it wasn't our bathroom."
He shifts in the bed again. "I only hear the air conditioner." he sighs.
I climb back into bed and am captivated once again by the face in the leaves of the tree outside. It is fully developed and locked solidly into place now. A man in his late twenties with a definite air of 1974. Now don't ask me how I know this, it's just some gut feeling that I get. I note the lay of his hair, the length of his moustache. It's at times like this that I wish I could draw.
"Do you think that these faces could be people from my past or that I just have an overactive imagination?" I ask him, struggling to find missing pieces of a childhood I have no memory of.
Oh don't get me wrong, I know things about my childhood, stories told by family over the years but that is fact knowledge of a childhood spent yet lost; sketches with numerous gaps and no feelings or emotions attached. "Why overactive?" he asks.
Hmm...I ponder. I guess I just assumed that I alone saw faces in inanimate objects, faces of all ages, races, and gender, faces that haunt me in my twilight moments, in the spaces just before waking or sleeping. I hear the flush of the toilet in another room again and mention it to my husband while yelling at my dog to stop licking. I really need to find out why the sound of her licking bothers me so! My husband testily throws the covers off and I try to grab at his arm as he goes to get his bathrobe. "You don't have to check on it." Yet he leaves the room without a word.
I turn back toward the face in the tree. The eyes are captivating; there is so much care and concern there and the whole face radiates with a gentleness and ... what? love? I feel awash with something I so rarely feel, security. I snuggle deeper into my pillow, languishing in the sense of safe but as I stare into the eyes of the face I note that it is beginning to change yet again. The moustache gives way to full lips and the hair recedes revealing a large forehead. The head loses the narrowness and becomes rounder, the eyes squint and appear sinister. Evil surrounds this face and it both frightens and worries me.
My husband climbs back into the bed and I turn to him and bury my head into his shoulder. "Is the face still there?" he asks. "Yes", I whimper, "it's evil and I don't like it."

self-disgusted!

i sooo need to see dr. t this week (maybe right this moment). i can't seem to stop the tears from brimming in my eyes, the scolding thoughts that shout in my head, the disgust and hate that fills my heart and causes me to want to crawl back into bed and escape from the reality of life.

Haiku Experience

When will i learn to
stop taking the role of lead?
i'm such a dumb fool!






* i hate the fact that i always seem to be screwing up. i'm trying to do what's right and yet i just seem to make things worse. i need to understand that sm is crystal's program and i need to just take a breath, step back, and let her run it the way she wants to. i'm such an idiot! *

Haiku Experience

i'm ever so bored,
wish i had some energy;
so fat and lazy!

Worrying Life

Worry is an integral part of my life, of my thoughts, of me - 
- worry defines who I am more often than not ... just ask my brother-in-law Jack 
who constantly reminds me to "not sweat the small stuff; oh, and EVERYTHING is small stuff!"


Yes Jack, I do know that however (comma) I just can't keep my mind from worrying about the small stuff. I believe it is what makes me really good at what I do at and for True North - 
- I'm what I call (myself any way) a "detail oriented" person and paying attention to detail (being anal-retentive) has been beneficial to True North if not for me personally in my own life.


Right now I worry about my son who is in college but has no direction; wait ... who is actually home from college and tripping the life fantastic with no cares in the world (or at least no seeming cares in the world, maybe he has them but doesn't share with me!). I do NOT want to rob him of his youth and thrust him headlong and ill-prepared into his adult life too quickly and yet he needs to begin to learn what it takes to manage his life and his own affairs as well as his own finances. However, my own parents paid my way into college my first year until I declared myself an adult (forbidding them from claiming me on their income tax returns) and got a grant and proceeded to flunk right out of college. You see? I do NOT want to see that happen to myPie. 


Discovering my purpose in life has eluded me ... I often feel like a failure for my lack of accomplishments and inability to contribute financially to my family. My only successes in my life have been my two wonderfully brilliant children and my husband of nearly 28 years. Now I'm not smirking these successes at all, don't get me wrong - life has been wonderful for me since I met and married Ted, had my two children, and watched them grow. I have struggled with how much freedom to give them, how to discipline them, how to love them ... teaching responsibility isn't easy and I have yet to bestow my altruistic characteristics upon either of them; I question myself at times, "where did go wrong?" or "how have I failed them?"


myPie is at that difficult cusp of life - entering adulthood. I remember that phase of life all too well (many of my friends might say I've never have entered that stage of life). It's hard passing from youth into adulthood with all of its responsibilities and all of the boring "adult" things that are now expected - 1) get an education, 2) get a job, 3) become a productive member of society, 4) marry and  5) have 2.3 children with a house, a white picket fence and a dog. And while I have accomplished most of that (I've never gotten a job or become a productive member of society) I still sit around my house playing Dragon Age for 6 hours at a time pausing briefly to get myShelby from school yet neglecting the household chores of dusting, sweeping, and laundry and barely preparing a somewhat quasi-nutritional meal for my family. 


My own gender roles and stereotypes run deep - I'm fortunate that I'm a girl in some respects ... I'm not expected to work and "bring home the bacon" to take care of my family, that is myTed's responsibility. And now I watch as myPie matures and I realize that soon that is going to be his responsibility but I worry because he has no clear direction for his life, no goals, no idea what he wants to do for the rest of his life. And I don't want to push him into that adult life of drudgery and long hours of working at a dead-end job for the next forty years of his life. I want him to be happy. I want him to do something that he enjoys doing. I want him to be able to have fun in life and still provide for his future family - for Caroline and his 2.3 children and his puppy dog in a house with a white picket fence in the burbs of New York City.


With tears in my eyes I sit and write this ... myPie still in bed upstairs, exhausted from his long late night and I know that I'm going to have to nag him about "being responsible" and getting a job. My heart is heavy. I have to push him from the nest and force him to fly on his own - but oh my Lord, how it hurts my heart!


Dear God, please give guidance to my son and comfort to myself. 

Haiku Experience

So professional;
he never does smile at me.
Oh please forgive me.

dream interpretation

it's odd how dreams can be interpreted so differently by people. perspective plays a large part in that.

i was telling dr. t about a dream i've had three times since just before Mother's Day. The dream is very surrealistic, the room is always a hospital room, the staff is always one nurse (always female with dark curly hair) and several interns or assistants (always burley men with nearly shaved heads) all wearing white coats, they are never helpful as i try my hardest to escape from a cousin who appears in the dream and attacks me. all of these elements are consistent each and every time i've dreamt this dream.

my bff suggested that my cousin literally did attack me in my youth.
my theRap(e)ist suggests that it is representative of him and the lack of response by the staff insinuates that i(we) feel unsafe and that dr. t isn't doing enough to keep me safe.

two completely differing views by two completely different people based on their own personal experiences and perspective.

i wonder if there is a course on dream interpretation that can clear things up for me...

Fear = ^ Hurt

“The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.” ~Thomas Merton

Haiku Experience

a cacophony.
and yet high above the din,
dogged quack quacking!






*this was the UMW District Board meeting last night - can you imagine the cackling of women's voices all speaking at once and Debbie, the president, using her duck call to quiet us down?!*

Haiku Experience

guilty once again;
i can't look into your eyes.
wish i'd been left out.






*how i feel around Adam since the PPR meeting - like i am the enemy, a spy planted to scrutinize his every action. i so wish that PPR had met Tuesday night when i was out of town!*

Haiku Experience

If Steve can do it,
then I can attempt it too;
writing in Haiku!






*Steve Fuller has a wonderful blog that I follow; he is an author and an educator who loves Haiku. His current thought is that someday all written word will be in the from of Haiku. I took that as a challenge and am now going to write a Haiku a day about one experience that I had!*

onion peel

LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE.Name: Monica
Current Location: Virginia
Hair Color: colored honey blonde
Righty/Lefty: lefty

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: way too many to mention here
Your dream of the perfect date: i don't dream of dates now that i'm married

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.

Your thoughts first waking up: good morning, Lord - thank you for this day.
Your best physical feature: yikes, do i have any? um ... no.
Your bed time: varies radically - sometimes it's 2:00am and sometimes it's 9:30pm

LAYER 4: YOUR PICK. 
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi of course!
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald;s (for their french fries)
Single or Group Dates: i don't date since i've been married!
Adidas or Nike: um ... Sketchers?
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: YUCK!!!

LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: No thanks. I like living.
Cuss: Never. Unless its an accident.
Take showers: Yesssssss.
Have a crush: WAY past the crush phase now that I've been married nearly 28 years.
Like school: loved college when i was in it!
Believe in yourself: at times
Believe what goes around comes around: nope
Believe everything happens for a reason: Yupp. Firm believer of that.
Think you’re a health freak: Definitely not, I'm fat and lazy. The end. 

LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH. 
Gone to the mall: Sure thing
Been on stage: Nope
Eaten sushi: EW!
Been hurt: Haha yes. Moving=pain.
Dyed your hair: Oh yeah. 

LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER. 
Played a stripping game: Nope.
Kissed the same sex: Never.
Gotten beaten up: No
Changed who you were to fit in: i'm sure i have.

LAYER 8: GETTING OLD. 
Age you’re hoping to be married by: i got married at 22
Number of kids you’re planning on having: i have two

LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: dark
Hair color: any
Short or long hair: love long hair on guys!
Fat or fit: not fat
Looks or personality: looks first, obviously, but then personality
Fun or serious: Bothh. Someone who is fun but can be serious. 

LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: talking to Crystal on the phone
1 HOUR AGO: driving in the rain
1 WEEK AGO: packing to go to Blacksburg
1 YEAR AGO: Probably playin' X-Box

LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE. 
I FEEL: old.
I HATE: bugs.
I HIDE: inside.
I NEED: God.
I LOVE: my family.

fooling around

Sampling this font while watching The United States of Tara, though I’m not sure that I’ll be able to use this font in my blog. L


Update: I have realized that while I can see the D'Nealian font just fine on my computer, other computers change the font to something different (probably because they don't have the D'Nealian font uploaded onto their computers!). 

Spirit-Filled

To Christ,
to you sweet RileyRoo,
and to the Holy Spirit,
be all honor and glory
now and for ever.
Amen

The Sparkling Gift Inside

This is true: when someone shares a rare story - one they've protected or one they might not remember they even owned - a moment of immeasurable power is created. In that moment, a life can change. In that moment, is a gift. -- Chris, Santa Barbara

immperfect

I feel like this is something I have to remind myself of. I’m human

I’m not perfect. No one is except God the Father. God made me just the way He wanted me to be? I’m human, not perfect. That’s all I want to be :)

FiOS seems to suck!

Stupid FiOS - phone has been down for 3 days!

UPDATE: Called Verizon this morning - the technician said that the line shows a busy signal at the box which is unusual unless there is a phone connected directly into the box (there isn't). Someone will be over tomorrow between the hours of 1-5pm to check it out.

Don't Understand Introverts!!!

Doesn't understand isolationism. Why, when you're hurting, do you take off and turn off your phone?

My BFF is Amazing!

Finally

my bff graduated today ... finally. i know that she's relieved to be done and glad it's over with and excited to walk through the door and do great things at her new job. this is just an official "i'm proud of you!" note.

Associate of Applied Science

The Mother Knot

Mothers:
They birth us, mold us, influence who we are
     and who we can become.
Even in memory,
          their hold on daughters is complete.


-- Kathryn Harrison

Stolen

i found this scouting blogs - and i stole - couldn't help it, it screamed out at me!

Unknown

i hate the unknown, totally completely absolutely HATE it!

myPie told me last night that his "check-out" time is 9:40 am. total shock. i asked him why and he replied with i chose that time. couldn't figure out WHY he would choose THAT time but.

i awoke bright and early and tried to text him - nothing.
i showered and dressed and tried to call him - nothing.
i went down to breakfast and tried to call him - nothing.
wrote checks to pay bills and tried to call him - nothing.
checked into face book and tried to call him - nothing.

his phone is off.

it's now 9:54 am ... 14 minutes PAST the time he was supposed to have his "check-out:" and i have absolutely NO idea what is happening over there!

Psalm

Buddha

i was visited by Buddha tonight -

- well, not really ...
... but i was in the bathroom, naked except for my socks (sorry folks) when i sat on the toilet to remove them (the socks I mean) and glancing up was totally surprised to see Buddha sitting before me.

of course it was a mirror and the HUGE round bellied figure staring back at me was my own reflection. ack!

what a shock!!

For Creativity

Thanksgiving for the Creative Endeavour

In carving the wood; in sculpting the stone;
in forming the clay                   

Your creative Spirit is within us

In painting the canvas; in pressing the print;

in searching for new ways                 

Your creative Spirit is within us

In the landscaping of the garden; in the toiling of earth;

in the arrangement of flowers        

Your creative Spirit is within us

In making the bread we break and share   

Your creative Spirit is within us

In the making of music with instruments or voices    

Your creative Spirit is within us

In creating new worlds with written words;

in telling stories with pictures  

Your creative Spirit is within us

In joining the dance of the universe;

in moving our bodies to the beat of life  

Your creative Spirit is within us

In the spontaneous and subversive street art   

Your creative Spirit is within us

In the performing of a play; in the routine of a mime;

in the kindness of a gesture  

Your creative Spirit is within us

In the words of our liturgy and prayers 

Your creative Spirit is within us

In being human; in caring for one another and our planet  

Your creative Spirit is within us

We are creative beings made to the image and likeness of a creative God. 

Amen

Ok so

So ...


when can you tell when you're electrolytes are off,
when you're potassium is low,
when the magnesium affects it?


Can it be when you're heart is racing 
and you're throwing up at 2:00 in the morning
and then can't lay on either side 
and need the weight of your husbands hand across your chest
to slow down your speeding heart?


Yeah.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day, a day that I said I didn't care about because ...
well, MY mother is dead and gone! However,
I have thought a lot about her the past couple of days -
I did submit a picture of myself and my mom together to Adam - 
I wished I had purchased a carnation for her through the youth -
I do miss her.

So yeah ...

So yea..

What holiday is closest to your birthday?
Well, 4th of July.
Where was the last house you went besides your house?
Mother-in-laws.
Do you have freckles?
Nope.
How do you like your steak cooked?
Medium.
What is the best thing in your refrigerator right now?
Cherry Jello with pineapple chunks.
Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Yes, but I don't remember it.
Where was your default picture taken?
It's a drawing.
Have you ever seen a dead body?
Yes.
What was the first thing you did this morning?
Got dressed.
What are you doing this weekend?
Soccer, church, and Parade of Homes.
When was the last time you threw up?
Can’t remember.
Last website you visited?
Tumblr.
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Of course not because I don't.
Is anything alive in the room you’re in?
Yes, Annie and a plant.
When is the last time you ate peanut butter & jelly?
Can't remember.
Do you have a desk in your room?
No.
Have you ever gotten naked at a party?
No.
What happened at 9:00 A.M. today?
The soccer game started.
What is the last thing someone bought you?
A 'Thinking Of You' card.
Name someone whose name starts with the letter “A”:
Adam.
Do you plan on moving in the next year?
No.
What were you doing at around 8:30 P.M. last Sunday?
Talking to Crystal outside the FLC.
What did you do today?
Soccer game and then El Pollo Loco.
Do you have a job?
No, i wish.
What are you doing right now besides this survey?
Watching Sponge Bob Square Pants..
What are your plans tomorrow?
Church and Parade of Homes tour.
Slept in someone else’s bed?
Probably.
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Nope..
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
Always.
Who was the last person you saw?
myShelby.
What was the last movie you watched?
Avatar.
Have you ever cried when you’re mad?
Never.
Name something that made you mad today?
Nothing.
If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret?
million bucks.
Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
Yep.
What were you doing an hour ago?
Driving.
How many different things did you drink today?
V-8 Juice and Dr.Pepper..
Is success in your future?
Doubt it.
Was today a good day?
Yes.
Have you ever played naked Twister?
No.
How do you feel about Valentine’s day?
It’s just another day.
How is your hair?
Straight!!.
What’s on your mind?
Answers to these questions.
Which shoe do you put on first?
I dont know.
What was the last thing you received in the mail?
Bills.
What were you doing last night?
Reading.
If you had to pick one meal to eat everyday for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Breakfast..
When was the last time you cried?
Last night - laughed so hard I cried. :D
How do you feel?
Hot and sweaty
If you had the choice, love or money?
money.
Where’s your mom?
Scattered throughout her garden.
What if your ex showed up at your door tomorrow, what would you say?
Don't have an ex anything.
Do you miss anyone?
Nope..
Have you ever broken anyone’s heart?
Yes.
Would you change anything you’ve done in your life?
Yes.
Have you ever broken a bone?
Yes.
Done anything illegal in the past week?
Never.
Is there anyone of the opposite sex you trust completely?
Nope.
Where did you get the pants you’re wearing?
Coldwater Creek.
Do you have a Facebook account?
Yes.
Sunrises or sunsets?
Both.
Whats your middle name?
Leigh.
Do you have a best friend?
Oh yeah. :D
Do you think people hate you?
Probably some people.

The Time Machine - the afternoon before ...

There's got to be a morning after ...

The Secret - Planet Earth

The Secret to You

when dreams become reality

i want to tell you about a dream i had.
Alright.

in the dream i'm feeling disgruntled, disgusted with myself. i want to change my hair. there is this hairdresser that comes highly recommended, a specialist, but i can't get an appointment there. i'm driving in the car with myPierce, myShelby, and Crystal. we're approaching a busy intersection, though not heavy since it is 9:00 at night. the turns red and i stop the car. i'm tired, exhausted. tired of hurting. i unbutton my top, take off my tee and  bra and get out of the car. i walk across the intersection, cars blaring their horns at me. i hear my kids and Crystal behind me shouting apologies to the drivers. i walk along the sidewalk and then realize that i'm approaching the hair salon. there are heavy curtains on the windows. i look up at the sign only now, this far from the dream, i can't remember the name on the door but it starts with an 'M'. i go inside. there is cloth hanging from the ceiling so it's like a maze entering the shop. the reception startles as i enter and stops me, staring at my exposed chest. i want to see ... what ever his name is that i can't remember now this far from the dream. the receptionist implies that he is very busy and can't see me but he'll go and talk to him. my kids and Crystal enter behind me just as the hairdresser enters. he stares at my breasts and i cannot determine if i see revulsion or lust behind his eyes. 'don't mind our mom', the kids say, 'she's lost her mind!'. the hairdresser stairs into my eyes and i know that in that moment he knows every intimate detail about me. 'come with me' he says and i follow him deeper into the maze and to a chair. he indicates that i should sit and so i do. i look at  him in the mirror. he is staring at my breasts, my chest, he looks into my face.'what do you eat?', he asks. i look away from his stare, embarrassed.  'i know, i'm overweight' i begin and then stumble forward into an excuse that i know he won't by. 'i used to work out when i was in my thirties but in my forties i no longer do and now that i'm nearly fifty these ole' bones just can't take it.' i smile wanly but he doesn't return my smile. he begins to move his fingers through my hair, fluffing and ruffling and mussing with it. 'you change frequently, don't you?' 'i do though i have to color it every two weeks - the grey is just so resistant.' i see the corners of his mouth turn up slightly. 'i have a friend' he begins, who has been grey since she was 23. i just colored her hair for her wedding.' 'has it lasted for longer than two weeks?', i ask whimsically. he smiles for the first time. 'it was just this past Saturday.' 'oh.' he watches me in the mirror, placing the heel of his hand into a place near my shoulder - like a pressure point. i immediately feel pain in an old ache that frequently bothers me on my back. he continues pressing. a rush of feelings and emotions seem to migrate to that pained spot on my back, as if drawn by an electrical current. there is a mixture of pain and pleasure that ebbs and flows and rises to a climax. i imagine this would be orgasmic if i had ever had an orgasm to compare. 'every hurt done to the body,' he says calmly as he continues pressing, 'continues to pain the body until it has been dealt with.' i see his the fingers of his left hand point to his head. i stare into his eyes and his stare bores into me, through me. how profound, i think as i sit exposed from the waist up in the hairdresser's chair. still looking deep into my eyes his hands move to my shoulders. 'i think you're ready to change, we're ready to begin.' he says in that calm deep tone of his. a tear begins to slide down my cheek and then the alarm goes off.

What do you think the dream means?
    i shrug.

This is what i heard ... 
     he proceeds to repeat the dream. he has it down almost word for word.
I believe the hairdresser is me and the salon is here in this office. It piggybacks what we talked about last time.
no it doesn't, last time i told you about my lack of sexual desire.
No. That was the last time you were here but we've met since then.
     darn it all, i hate when he does that!
This dream is affirmation to me of what we talked about last Thursday.
so you're saying that my dream was a message to you?
Yes. 
     i did't want to admit this to dr. t but i had reached the same conclusion about the dream that he had. that
     i'm ready for change, that i'm ready to work, that i'm really ready to begin therapy. 
We're going to be working on Mother/Daughter relationships and I don't mean between you and your daughter. I believe that your children had a very different childhood than you had. You have tried to the best of your ability to make sure your kids are safe.
i haven't left my kids with my parents.
That's what I mean. When fathers, older brothers, grandfathers, hurt or have sex with girls good mothers will protect their daughters as all good mothers should.
usually they don't, women are too weak and cowardly.
I believe that if someone were hurting your kids you'd risk getting hurt yourself to protect them. Sometimes Mothers don't protect though, you're right. Some women are weak physically and emotionally. Sometimes, though, Mothers harm their daughters.
     i remain silent, thinking. i wonder what his definition of harm is.
i want to ask you a question. is it wrong for a mother to put her tongue into the mouth of her 9 year old daughter?
     he doesn't wince, doesn't flinch, but is there a pained look?
Why do you ask? 
just asking.
Yes, it's wrong.
have you heard so much horrible stuff over the years that nothing shocks you any more?
I have heard a lot of horrible things, your question isn't new to me.
     he looks at the clock on the wall behind me.
Next week we'll begin with that question.
ok.

Reblog

More Surrealism

Rene Magritte

I love this piece of work - it reminds me of the mountains in the New Mexico desert near Alamogordo where the Trinity Test site is, the site of the first A-Bomb test. I just so love surrealism.

Interesting Article

http://campus.usal.es/~revistamedicinacine/Volumen_2_1/n4/ing_4_pdf/tid_ing.pdf

This is a really thorough article on Dissociation in the cinema.

total monster

i totally unloaded on my bff today - 


i have had serious anger issues lately!


i'm sorry.

chillin'

Known

Kairos

Kairos =  an ancient Greek word meaning the "right or opportune moment," or "God's time."

The ancient Greeks had two words for time, chronos and kairos.
While the former refers to chronological or sequential time, the latter signifies "a time in between", a moment of undetermined period of time in which "something" special happens.
What the special something is depends on who is using the word.
While chronos is quantitative, kairos has a qualitative nature.


When have you had a kairos moment?

I believe that I've not experienced an opportune moment.
Jeff has opportune moments, it seems, whenever he sets foot into Hardees. There, before him, God presents a person in need and Jeff - a quick evaluator of a situation - readily is available. Safi had several opportune moments at the last USDA Food distro.

Oh how I long for kairos. 

I'll NEVER Understand!

I guess just because it makes sense in my mind
I shouldn't expect it to make sense in the minds of others.
It usually never does. 

Better Than A Halleluia

Spring Fling

The rummage sale today is over. Exhausting day. Glad to be home.

It isn't exactly a Spring Fling because we have no huge event ... no blow-up bouncies for the kids, no crafts, no art, no music. Just the rummage from 300 church members and friends along with the BBQ and Bake Sale.

And PARTS of it ARE outreach - Evelyn Minniear packs up stuff to send to West Virginia to a center that provides clothes and toys for kids.

So HAH!