Showing posts with label TheRap(e)y. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TheRap(e)y. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Concealed Depression

Depression is a very serious mental illness that often goes unnoticed for years. People with concealed depression are battling demons within themselves all on their own. They are not sharing their struggles and do not want to burden those around them.
You see, for most people wounds are not something we are open about. We tend to bottle things up and attempt to remedy them on our own. If you are reading this then you must know someone who you feel you need to better understand or you relate to this yourself. The following 15 habits are some of the most common I have noticed in people dealing with concealed depression.
1. The are often quite talented and very expressive.
Alot of famous people have suffered from mental illnesses, and this suffering gives them deeper emotions. If you really think about it, this is in some form a source to their greatness. While we cannot always see it, their struggles are often reflected in their works. These people are able to bring something beautiful out of the darkness that consumes them.
2. They tend to search for purpose.
We all need a purpose in this life. We want to be sure that we are in some form doing meaningful things. People suffering from hidden depression are not exempt from this. They too want to know the reason for their existence. They are much more susceptible to feeling things like inadequacy and anxiety which leaves them searching for something they can never seem to achieve in their own minds.
3. Sometimes they make muted cries for help.
Sometimes we all need help. When we are not expecting someone to feel weak or to be down in the dumps, we don’t see their cries for help. However, if you notice their cries and can help them in any way, you are creating a very close and trust filled bond with them.
4. They interpret substances differently.
Someone who is dealing with depression usually knows what it is they can take to ease their pain in a sense. They know that caffeine and sugar will raise their mood and that some medicines can help them. They actually have to put a lot of effort into feeling better, unlike most people. It is not as simple as taking a Tylenol when you have a headache.
5. They often have a very involved perception of life and death.
People suffering from depression often face their own mortality in moments of despair and seek answers to life’s deepest questions. They tend to shift from one terrible mindset into another. Sure, not all depressed people deal with suicidal thoughts, but some do.
People with depression may not be able to eat much or at all when they are at their worst. That being said some of them may eat more when at their worst. It varies from person to person.
People with depression will often sleep for what seems like or may literally be days. Sleep at times can be impossible while other times could be the only thing left that the person can do. When a person is depressed they are dealing with a state of helplessness that will rock their world.
8. They have abandonment issues usually.
If you have dealt with abandonment then you know how terrible it can be. When someone walks out of your life it can be a devastating, but this impacts those with depression much more than other people. It causes them to be more and more secretive about their feelings and creates a fear within them of being abandoned by their loved ones.
9. They are professionals at coming up with ‘cover-up’ stories.
They are able to come up with believable elaborate excuses for the things they are going through. Like if they skip an appointment or don’t return your calls for days. They can easily change the subject when things like this come up and turn the attention away from their pain.
10. They might have habitual remedies.
There are several different lifestyle changes a person can make as an attempt to ease their minds. For instance, these people may do things like exercise, listen to music, go walking, and so forth.
11. They are aways making efforts to seem happy.
People suffering from depression learn to fake moods. They will often come off as happy and normal on the outside. When they let their inner struggles appear on the outside they feel as if they are bringing others down.
12. They seek love and acceptance.
People with hidden depression are not hiding their depression because they want to be dishonest, they are just working to protect their hearts. These people want to be loved and accepted just like everyone else.
13. They have trouble shutting off their brains.
These people process everything going on in their lives at a fast speed. They over analyze the good and the bad making everything impact them much deeper. Their brains are like sponges absorbing everything that comes their way.
14. They hurt when other people hurt.
When other people are suffering it brings them down to their worst points. This sort of thing often triggers their emotional pain and can be crippling.
15. They always think of the worst-case scenarios.
While this is very stressful it can be beneficial from time to time. A high intelligence seems to be linked with depression, and they are able to respond to anything that comes their way. This makes them good problem solvers for the most part.
If you or someone you care about is suffering from concealed depression either get help or offer a helping hand. Fighting this alone is not easy or productive. The world can be a wonderful place if you get the help you need nothing can stand in your way. You are not a burden to others and the people who love and care about you want to help you, let them.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I haven't spoken about therapy in a very long time I see. I thought I'd do a quick update.

I am on the way to wholeness. We had, at one time, added a Tuesday session to the regular Thursday regime. Well, the Tuesdays have completely gone by the wayside AND the Thursdays are now every OTHER week!!

Oh and guess what? Here is a snippet of conversation that we had today:
Dr. T - You are wearing bright colors today.
Me - I'm sure I've worn this dress here before.
Dr. T - Yes well, when I saw you sitting in the waiting room, my initial thought was "glowing".
Me - Glowing?
Dr. T - Yes, you are absolutely glowing.

=^D

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

discovery

what do you do?

hm...what do i do? i write. i draw.i go to the gym.  i watch sentimental movies so that when the tears fall i'm not questioned.

when games are played, do you play them?

nope (although that isn't true exactly, is it?)

why do you do these things? is it to release the emotion?

(nod)

and what happens if you can't do these things?

(shrug) the feelings get to strong.

you're 13?

(head shake)

ok, why don't you tell me so i don't have to rifle through papers?

15.

(mumbles to himself) why haven't you grown past 15? do you remember being 13? 

(nod) i remember forever ago.

6?

(nod)

4?

(nod) look, i remember all the way back to 13 months old?

(he smiles slightly) when you saw kathleen, how were you and marissa there?

how? hm... (shrug)

you don't know?

nope, we just were there.

was marissa gone when you were seeing kathleen?

kathleen was already gone then.

so you were without a therapist?

(head shake)

who were you seeing?

(finger pointing - pow, right between the eyes) you don't remember me coming in here, sitting in this chair only the old chair, inconsolable?

i remember now. when was that?

(shrug) during our first year.

that's what i thought.

i was pretty mad at you, you didn't know the significance of what happened and i thought you should've 'cuz kathleen gave all that whole bag of stuff to nancy who gave it all to you. i thought you didn't even care enough to have read it.

do you remember what was in that bag?


(head shake)

it didn't have a lot in it, a few notes from recent sessions and some things related to that. there was not much at all.

and of course, i'm crying.
as marissa would say if she were here - "you are such a cry baby!"

we have to end for today.

(nod)

we'll have to explore why you stopped growing at 15.

(whispering) i know why?

you do?

(nod) the family left the church

ah. now i understand why.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Down and Out

I've been "writing" a book ... sort of. What I'm actually doing is setting all my old mySpace blogs into a Publisher document so that it could easily be published if I so desired it to be. There are a LOT of blogs there - I have so far finished the months of September, October, November, December (2007) and January 2008. The blog is complete through to July 2009 so I have a ways to go yet. I've not really been reading them, just cutting an pasting - that being said, however [comma], I did sort of pay attention to three poems written 31 January 2008. They were painful and raw. I am left pained and aching. By the time I got to Dr. Tiller's I was in a major state of depression (huge crocodile tears and all).

I suggested that maybe I have Bi-polar disorder because there are times (days even) when I am on top of the world, capable of anything, wholly competent and highly efficient (if only in my own mind!). Then there are days, like today, when I'm a fat, lazy, incompetent, good for nothing who can't do anything right, can't do anything at all.
I feel sprung.
Sprung?
Yes, like I have to wind myself so tight at times to just function that the wire has sprung and I'm unraveled.
Yet he doesn't perceive me as Bi-polar. He's seen me happy and filled with joy, he's seen me sad and depressed. He's not ever seen me manic. Ok fine, get me on semantics but he does only see me for an hour each week.

Of course he can't do anything for Bi-polar or depression pharmacologically because he isn't a Psychiatrist.
The best thing we can do to work on the depression is to look at whatever in your past is causing the depression. Will you agree to talk about what happened in the past even if you believe it to be a lie?
You mean come in here and say anything? No matter how ludicrous? No matter how far-fetched? Say whatever whether I'm lying or not?
Yes.
I don't think I can do that.
Why?
Someone will find out.
Who? Whatever you say will only be between me and you.
It is never just the two of us, I almost whisper, barely able to breath.
He gets this knowing expression on his face and nods as he asks, What could happen?
I don't know. I want to say 'bad things, very bad things'.
Will you agree to try?
I shake my head, tears streaming uncontrollably down my face. ANY thing that might work to lift this depression has to better than the way I'm feeling right at this moment.

I miss Dad, Chet, my father-in-law. I miss Mom, believe it or not. I miss connections that I had ten years ago - people, places, things. I miss the Thrift Shop, the LOWC, base-housing, Book Club, free nights, my children being young enough to need me. I miss being needed. I miss being capable. I miss who I was, parts of who I was at least. I want to feel strong again. I want to feel adequate. I want to know that I can accomplish all things.

I want to rewind time.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Haiku Experience

my enemy mine,
you enabled them mother;
i know that you knew.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Punishment

"So you were sexually abused."
"No, it was abuse, just plain ole' physical abuse. I was punished."
"When an adult uses any child for sex it's sexual abuse."


So, I looked it up on the web when I got home.


The National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect defines child sexual assault as: "Contacts or interactions between a child and an adult when the child is being used for sexual stimulation of the perpetrator or another person when the perpetrator or another person is in a position of power or control over the victim."


See Dr. T., I wasn't sexually abused!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

dream interpretation

it's odd how dreams can be interpreted so differently by people. perspective plays a large part in that.

i was telling dr. t about a dream i've had three times since just before Mother's Day. The dream is very surrealistic, the room is always a hospital room, the staff is always one nurse (always female with dark curly hair) and several interns or assistants (always burley men with nearly shaved heads) all wearing white coats, they are never helpful as i try my hardest to escape from a cousin who appears in the dream and attacks me. all of these elements are consistent each and every time i've dreamt this dream.

my bff suggested that my cousin literally did attack me in my youth.
my theRap(e)ist suggests that it is representative of him and the lack of response by the staff insinuates that i(we) feel unsafe and that dr. t isn't doing enough to keep me safe.

two completely differing views by two completely different people based on their own personal experiences and perspective.

i wonder if there is a course on dream interpretation that can clear things up for me...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Mother Knot

Mothers:
They birth us, mold us, influence who we are
     and who we can become.
Even in memory,
          their hold on daughters is complete.



-- Kathryn Harrison

Thursday, May 6, 2010

when dreams become reality

i want to tell you about a dream i had.
Alright.
in the dream i'm feeling disgruntled, disgusted with myself. i want to change my hair. there is this hairdresser that comes highly recommended, a specialist, but i can't get an appointment there. i'm driving in the car with myPierce, myShelby, and Crystal. we're approaching a busy intersection, though not heavy since it is 9:00 at night. the turns red and i stop the car. i'm tired, exhausted. tired of hurting. i unbutton my top, take off my tee and  bra and get out of the car. i walk across the intersection, cars blaring their horns at me. i hear my kids and Crystal behind me shouting apologies to the drivers. i walk along the sidewalk and then realize that i'm approaching the hair salon. there are heavy curtains on the windows. i look up at the sign only now, this far from the dream, i can't remember the name on the door but it starts with an 'M'. i go inside. there is cloth hanging from the ceiling so it's like a maze entering the shop. the reception startles as i enter and stops me, staring at my exposed chest. i want to see ... what ever his name is that i can't remember now this far from the dream. the receptionist implies that he is very busy and can't see me but he'll go and talk to him. my kids and Crystal enter behind me just as the hairdresser enters. he stares at my breasts and i cannot determine if i see revulsion or lust behind his eyes. 'don't mind our mom', the kids say, 'she's lost her mind!'. the hairdresser stairs into my eyes and i know that in that moment he knows every intimate detail about me. 'come with me' he says and i follow him deeper into the maze and to a chair. he indicates that i should sit and so i do. i look at  him in the mirror. he is staring at my breasts, my chest, he looks into my face.'what do you eat?', he asks. i look away from his stare, embarrassed.  'i know, i'm overweight' i begin and then stumble forward into an excuse that i know he won't by. 'i used to work out when i was in my thirties but in my forties i no longer do and now that i'm nearly fifty these ole' bones just can't take it.' i smile wanly but he doesn't return my smile. he begins to move his fingers through my hair, fluffing and ruffling and mussing with it. 'you change frequently, don't you?' 'i do though i have to color it every two weeks - the grey is just so resistant.' i see the corners of his mouth turn up slightly. 'i have a friend' he begins, who has been grey since she was 23. i just colored her hair for her wedding.' 'has it lasted for longer than two weeks?', i ask whimsically. he smiles for the first time. 'it was just this past Saturday.' 'oh.' he watches me in the mirror, placing the heel of his hand into a place near my shoulder - like a pressure point. i immediately feel pain in an old ache that frequently bothers me on my back. he continues pressing. a rush of feelings and emotions seem to migrate to that pained spot on my back, as if drawn by an electrical current. there is a mixture of pain and pleasure that ebbs and flows and rises to a climax. i imagine this would be orgasmic if i had ever had an orgasm to compare. 'every hurt done to the body,' he says calmly as he continues pressing, 'continues to pain the body until it has been dealt with.' i see his the fingers of his left hand point to his head. i stare into his eyes and his stare bores into me, through me. how profound, i think as i sit exposed from the waist up in the hairdresser's chair. still looking deep into my eyes his hands move to my shoulders. 'i think you're ready to change, we're ready to begin.' he says in that calm deep tone of his. a tear begins to slide down my cheek and then the alarm goes off.
What do you think the dream means?
    i shrug.

This is what i heard ... 
     he proceeds to repeat the dream. he has it down almost word for word.
I believe the hairdresser is me and the salon is here in this office. It piggybacks what we talked about last time.
no it doesn't, last time i told you about my lack of sexual desire.
No. That was the last time you were here but we've met since then.
     darn it all, i hate when he does that!
This dream is affirmation to me of what we talked about last Thursday.

so you're saying that my dream was a message to you?
Yes. 
     i did't want to admit this to dr. t but i had reached the same conclusion about the dream that he had. that
     i'm ready for change, that i'm ready to work, that i'm really ready to begin therapy. 

We're going to be working on Mother/Daughter relationships and I don't mean between you and your daughter. I believe that your children had a very different childhood than you had. You have tried to the best of your ability to make sure your kids are safe.
i haven't left my kids with my parents.

That's what I mean. When fathers, older brothers, grandfathers, hurt or have sex with girls good mothers will protect their daughters as all good mothers should.
usually they don't, women are too weak and cowardly.
I believe that if someone were hurting your kids you'd risk getting hurt yourself to protect them.
Sometimes Mothers don't protect though, you're right. Some women are weak physically and emotionally. Sometimes, though, Mothers harm their daughters.
     i remain silent, thinking. i wonder what his definition of harm is.
i want to ask you a question. is it wrong for a mother to put her tongue into the mouth of her 9 year old daughter?
     he doesn't wince, doesn't flinch, but is there a pained look?
Why do you ask? 

just asking.
Yes, it's wrong.
have you heard so much horrible stuff over the years that nothing shocks you any more?
I have heard a lot of horrible things, your question isn't new to me.
     he looks at the clock on the wall behind me.
Next week we'll begin with that question.

ok.


Thursday, April 29, 2010

session

so yeah well i went to see dr. t today.

we were all like totally mad at him and i went so atene didn't go in and go off and start yelling at him and cursing and all ...

so yeah i went.

i told dr. t about how we're disappointed that he didn't explore the stories/stuff that the monicas wrote 'cuz they really did write it themselves and it really was insightful. and we were mad 'cuz he asked "what did crystal have to say about them?" that's where atene went off. so i told dr. t that we really didn't "care what crystal thought 'cuz she's not our therapist, you are!" i told him.

so yeah well then we did just some talk about the nine years we spent with kathleen and what it is we need to work on now and the monicas and yeah well like stuff like that.

so yeah well i so think that it was a good session.

expect to work on the taboo - the female parental unit ...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Speechless

Well, I left my Therapist speechless today.

I completed my mandalas and he asked me to explain them as he looked at them. He was left speechless. I laughed - he wondered at what - I told him because this is the first time I remember him ever being speechless. He laughed as well.

More homework for next Thursday ... write a story to go with each mandala.

Here are the pictures of the mandalas that I drew: Mandala 1 is my favorite because it looks more like a true mandala ... it is very VERY sexual in nature; oh and it would look amazing with some colour added to it - pastels, pinks and tans with some blue and lilacs. Mandala 2 I need to rework because I'm simply NOT happy with it ... it is supposed to represent the loss of innocence into brokenness; if color is added to this one it will be the center flower and the irises of the eyes which would be Jade (for a jaded view of the world).

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Decisive Decisions

Before entering the office of my Therapist he presented me with a journal article about Mandalas and two circles and asked me to read the article and he'd be with me in a couple of minutes. Ah, homework ... finally. I felt a slight twinge of guilt. I've requested homework from him so frequently and now he gives me homework just when I've decided to ... well ...


Today I announced to my Therapist that I would be coming to therapy only one day week now. 
"I would have told you that I think we need a break altogether except that my husband could be getting a job that will take him away from home many times for many weeks or months at a time ... " and under my breath I mentioned that it's during times of Ted being away that I believe "others" (if there are "others") tend to get active during the night and I get very little sleep.


He understood. Of course he did, he does, he ALWAYS does. 


When I talked to myTed about this decision last night the conversation went something like this --
I am going to drop a day with Dr. T.
Why?
Because everything is going so well and I am so stable right now! He gave me a sideways glance.
Define stable, he said with a wry smile.
Well ... there isn't any 'switching', I don't drive for hours at a time anymore, I don't have incidents like that ... , I said pointing to the television which was currently broadcasting The United States of Tara on Showtime. I'm normal now, I said beaming.
Define normal.
I punched him in the arm.


Is he right? Am I? I don't know, but telling my Therapist that I will only be coming once a week felt right. I DO feel stable, calm, put together. I feel a peace I haven't felt in such a very long time as well as a confidence and assurance that causes my heart and soul to leap each morning. 


Is this a sign of healing? Probably not. I told my Therapist that I find that if I just wake up every morning and tell myself that this is going to be great day and put a smile on my face and think good thoughts that sure enough the day turns out to be good and I am truly happy and feel good.
"Like that AA adage", he said.
I looked at him quizzically.
"Fake it 'til you make it!"
I smiled slightly. Yeah well I guess but not exactly - I mean I don't feel fake, I thought.
"I think you've been faking it for a very long time" he continued.


"So when next time we meet we'll concentrate on the matters and concerns of today, of the present life which means focusing on people in your life, particularly one." I cringed a bit. Yeah, why? "You've had a couple of safe visits" he marched on, "and one not safe visit."
"Yeah but that doesn't bother me" I smiled big. 
"Oh?"
"I just don't think about it and things are great!"


So, am 'healed' enough to move to one visit a week? 


Well now ... off to do complete two mandalas!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

It's In The Past!

Complicated

I'm not trying to be difficult
I'm just trying to live life


I don't mean to be a quandary
I just want to remain on solid ground


I'm so sorry that I'm stubborn
but I'm trying to stay safe


I wish that I could go there
if only to please you


But I can't, I won't
so this is where we are


Why don't you just get rid of me
instead of going through the motions

Thursday, March 4, 2010

February 13, '10

Conversation
what is your definition of 'normal', asked he.
being able to feel, experience, and express a full range of emotions without medicated aid, replied she.
he arched a brow, formulating a response.
she burst in, ... like being able to live life without anti-anxiety or greet a new dawn without anti-depressants or stepping out into the daylight and not hiding away from the world.
he smiled. and when do you believe you are not 'normal'?
scrunching her nose she paused. well ... i guess when emotions are too strong; when i'm in a 'storm' and i have to admit there are 'others' to help me live.
acknowledging 'them' makes you not normal, queried he.
if i admit they are then i am crazy, sighed she.
i see, said he.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Useless

I’m feeling useless right now.

I really don’t want that feeling of detachment to come back. It just felt so empty. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about it because they’d think I was just asking for attention because I seem like a happy person. I don’t want people to think that. I’m not asking for sympathy or an “aww, I’m sorry. You’ll feel better later” I just want to talk to someone and find someone who understands. I want to help people, but it seems as if I’m not really helping or I’m not able to give them advice. I want to be held and reasured and have someone tell me it will be okay and actually be able to believe them.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Moth Invasion!

Monday, October 19, 2009

(You're My) Best Friend

Would you take better care of yourself? Would you be kinder to yourself? Would you be more forgiving of your human imperfections? If you realized your best friend was yourself. Who is always with you everywhere? Who is on your side when others are unfair? And tell me, who will never let you down in any situation? Who will always see you get your share? And that's why I am a best friend to myself. And I take me up whenever I feel low. I make myself as happy as a best friend would. I'm as nice to me as anyone I know. Lyrics by Helen Reddy; Music by Ray Burton
I wish that I could say that I believed in these lyrics. I wish that I could say that I live these lyrics, that I AM these lyrics, or even that I am TRYING to live these lyrics. Unfortunately, I am my own worst enemy and I must rob myself of the company of me so much of the time. I don't even allow myself a glimpse in the mirror - how ghastly I believe I am.
Someday, possibly, I may be able to befriend myself - but for now I know it's not yet time...

Monday, October 5, 2009

Such an idiot ...

... and sometimes it just really REALLY shows WAY more than at other times.
I worry about my son - heck I'm an overprotective mother so of COURSE I worry about my kids. He went to NYC for the weekend (much against my advice) to see his long-time girlfriend (of four years, a great young lady whom I love dearly. I know they'll marry some day). Ok, I get it, it's their anniversary and all that. But it's the middle of the fall term and the timing could be better.
Sure enough, he gets stuck in NYC and doesn't get out Sunday as originally planned. Ok, I get it; I get that things happen and there are extenuating circumstances, really I do. But I was boiling mad. So mad that I railed in on his father last night (course I was already biting at the bit to fight with him from earlier in the morning!).
In retrospect, I think that the thing that made me most mad was that he didn't think that I'd be worrying JUST as much about his trip back to Tech from NYC as I was about his trip TO NYC. He never thought to call us and say "Hey look, this is what happened and well I didn't get out so I'm still here." A phone call woulda been nice, son! Instead, we call him at 10:30 at night and find out that he's not almost "home".
At least I came to my senses BEFORE I kicked my husband out of our bed last night ...