Decisive Decisions

Before entering the office of my Therapist he presented me with a journal article about Mandalas and two circles and asked me to read the article and he'd be with me in a couple of minutes. Ah, homework ... finally. I felt a slight twinge of guilt. I've requested homework from him so frequently and now he gives me homework just when I've decided to ... well ...


Today I announced to my Therapist that I would be coming to therapy only one day week now. 
"I would have told you that I think we need a break altogether except that my husband could be getting a job that will take him away from home many times for many weeks or months at a time ... " and under my breath I mentioned that it's during times of Ted being away that I believe "others" (if there are "others") tend to get active during the night and I get very little sleep.


He understood. Of course he did, he does, he ALWAYS does. 


When I talked to myTed about this decision last night the conversation went something like this --
I am going to drop a day with Dr. T.
Why?
Because everything is going so well and I am so stable right now! He gave me a sideways glance.
Define stable, he said with a wry smile.
Well ... there isn't any 'switching', I don't drive for hours at a time anymore, I don't have incidents like that ... , I said pointing to the television which was currently broadcasting The United States of Tara on Showtime. I'm normal now, I said beaming.
Define normal.
I punched him in the arm.


Is he right? Am I? I don't know, but telling my Therapist that I will only be coming once a week felt right. I DO feel stable, calm, put together. I feel a peace I haven't felt in such a very long time as well as a confidence and assurance that causes my heart and soul to leap each morning. 


Is this a sign of healing? Probably not. I told my Therapist that I find that if I just wake up every morning and tell myself that this is going to be great day and put a smile on my face and think good thoughts that sure enough the day turns out to be good and I am truly happy and feel good.
"Like that AA adage", he said.
I looked at him quizzically.
"Fake it 'til you make it!"
I smiled slightly. Yeah well I guess but not exactly - I mean I don't feel fake, I thought.
"I think you've been faking it for a very long time" he continued.


"So when next time we meet we'll concentrate on the matters and concerns of today, of the present life which means focusing on people in your life, particularly one." I cringed a bit. Yeah, why? "You've had a couple of safe visits" he marched on, "and one not safe visit."
"Yeah but that doesn't bother me" I smiled big. 
"Oh?"
"I just don't think about it and things are great!"


So, am 'healed' enough to move to one visit a week? 


Well now ... off to do complete two mandalas!