Worrying Life

Worry is an integral part of my life, of my thoughts, of me - 
- worry defines who I am more often than not ... just ask my brother-in-law Jack 
who constantly reminds me to "not sweat the small stuff; oh, and EVERYTHING is small stuff!"


Yes Jack, I do know that however (comma) I just can't keep my mind from worrying about the small stuff. I believe it is what makes me really good at what I do at and for True North - 
- I'm what I call (myself any way) a "detail oriented" person and paying attention to detail (being anal-retentive) has been beneficial to True North if not for me personally in my own life.


Right now I worry about my son who is in college but has no direction; wait ... who is actually home from college and tripping the life fantastic with no cares in the world (or at least no seeming cares in the world, maybe he has them but doesn't share with me!). I do NOT want to rob him of his youth and thrust him headlong and ill-prepared into his adult life too quickly and yet he needs to begin to learn what it takes to manage his life and his own affairs as well as his own finances. However, my own parents paid my way into college my first year until I declared myself an adult (forbidding them from claiming me on their income tax returns) and got a grant and proceeded to flunk right out of college. You see? I do NOT want to see that happen to myPie. 


Discovering my purpose in life has eluded me ... I often feel like a failure for my lack of accomplishments and inability to contribute financially to my family. My only successes in my life have been my two wonderfully brilliant children and my husband of nearly 28 years. Now I'm not smirking these successes at all, don't get me wrong - life has been wonderful for me since I met and married Ted, had my two children, and watched them grow. I have struggled with how much freedom to give them, how to discipline them, how to love them ... teaching responsibility isn't easy and I have yet to bestow my altruistic characteristics upon either of them; I question myself at times, "where did go wrong?" or "how have I failed them?"


myPie is at that difficult cusp of life - entering adulthood. I remember that phase of life all too well (many of my friends might say I've never have entered that stage of life). It's hard passing from youth into adulthood with all of its responsibilities and all of the boring "adult" things that are now expected - 1) get an education, 2) get a job, 3) become a productive member of society, 4) marry and  5) have 2.3 children with a house, a white picket fence and a dog. And while I have accomplished most of that (I've never gotten a job or become a productive member of society) I still sit around my house playing Dragon Age for 6 hours at a time pausing briefly to get myShelby from school yet neglecting the household chores of dusting, sweeping, and laundry and barely preparing a somewhat quasi-nutritional meal for my family. 


My own gender roles and stereotypes run deep - I'm fortunate that I'm a girl in some respects ... I'm not expected to work and "bring home the bacon" to take care of my family, that is myTed's responsibility. And now I watch as myPie matures and I realize that soon that is going to be his responsibility but I worry because he has no clear direction for his life, no goals, no idea what he wants to do for the rest of his life. And I don't want to push him into that adult life of drudgery and long hours of working at a dead-end job for the next forty years of his life. I want him to be happy. I want him to do something that he enjoys doing. I want him to be able to have fun in life and still provide for his future family - for Caroline and his 2.3 children and his puppy dog in a house with a white picket fence in the burbs of New York City.


With tears in my eyes I sit and write this ... myPie still in bed upstairs, exhausted from his long late night and I know that I'm going to have to nag him about "being responsible" and getting a job. My heart is heavy. I have to push him from the nest and force him to fly on his own - but oh my Lord, how it hurts my heart!


Dear God, please give guidance to my son and comfort to myself.