Jeff Sucks!

Phil,

I am hugely mad at Jeff and I probably should have talked to you personally instead of venting to Samantha and for that I am so sorry. Please please accept my apology. 

Mark (our best candidate for the position of Directory of Music Ministry) withdrew his resume for the position because of ill feelings that he got from Jeff as well as the fact that he applied a month ago and it seems (to him) that there has been one road block after another. The thing that made me really mad was that Jeff called Mark to talk to him (which Jeff says he has the right to do because he has to work with the Director of Music Ministry - I don't agree and I told Jeff so myself when I found out that he'd met with Regina, Betty, and Mark before I even contacted them!) and during the course of their conversation Jeff informed Mark that about the foibles of Adam (a person Mark does not know), about how mediocre the choir is, how there are some voices in the choir that are absolutely grating and that he (Jeff) wants an excellent music program. First, I'm in the choir and I'm offended that Jeff thinks we are mediocre. Second I'm hugely mad that he sabotaged our music ministry program by berating us in front of a potential Music Director. Third Jeff caused the absolute best candidate (and probably the one person who could turn our Music Ministry around) to have second thoughts about working at St. Marks.

I did tell Mark that Jeff does want excellence in his worship program. That Adam picked the hymns, the affirmation of faith, the praise songs, the choral call to prayer, prelude, postlude and when anything went wrong in worship Adam heard about it. I also told Mark that Jeff has grown this church successfully, we have more young families than in the history of the church, that he is great individually with a person or family that is in crisis and bends over backwards to be there for them in the crisis. However, he can be difficult to work with. 

Mark's wife told Mark after he met with Jeff in July that she believed he should not take the position and after I called Mark tonight and told him that we could not vote tonight because we lacked the PPR committee members he determined that this was God telling him to stay put where he is. Besides, Langley is offering to extend his contract and make it a 5 year deal. I couldn't argue with that. 

It hurts that Jeff would degrade his own choir in front of a stranger like that. I am finding more and more that I am beginning to despise Jeff and I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry to dump that on you. I am in a heck of a lot of committees in this church - I hear and see and heck of a lot of things. I hear the stories of those that have been hurt by Jeff (like George Curtis). I hear the stories of those who won't tell Jeff anything personal because they believe he will blab it all over the church and they want their privacy. I've shared in the difficulties of FLC overbooking because Jeff allows organizations to book over top of other organizations. I've had my own personal experiences of hurt and pain that Jeff has caused me personally. So yes, right at this moment I despise that man. I will get over it by morning, I always do. But I wanted to share this all with you while it is still fresh in my mind, while it still stings and while I'm still aching. He is a two-faced manipulator who dictates and seduces in order to get what he wants. I want him gone from this church. Is that detrimental to the church? Maybe. But that's how much I hurt right at this moment. 

I figure you'll share this him because you just will and he'll be hugely mad at me for saying any of this to you but right now I honestly don't care. Tomorrow maybe I'll feel way differently and wish that I'd not sent you this great big long e-mail, wish that I'd not made myself so vulnerable to hurt by you and by Jeff but not tonight, not right now. Right now I just had to purge it from me. Right now I just had to ask if I'm the only one who sees Jeff for who he is. Right now I just wanted you to know the kind of person he really is. 

I'm sorry, Phil. 

I also think that if I really am not a voting member of PPR then I shouldn't have the authority to form and lead a sub-committee to hire any of the music personnel. I will, if you want me to to but just know that I have no vote and so my voice is very limited. Maybe it would be better if you yourself hired the music personnel and just let me return to being a mediocre voice in the choir and the praise team.

Sorry. Really.

memonica

PPR Sucks!

Phil,

I am afraid that we could not vote on the Director of Music Ministry tonight. There were only three voting members of the committee present which is only 1/3 of the members (I guess I don't have a vote as the delegate and Dave doesn't have a vote as Lay Leader, I didn't know that!). We had to compromise (which yes I am upset about because I, as a choir member, really want to hire Mark Biondolillo as the Director/Organist). The compromise is this:
Mark will come in this Sunday, September 5th and play the organ/keyboard and accompany the soloist (so Samantha doesn't have to do that) for both services. Regina (who was the third choice of the choir) will come in and lead choir rehearsal on Thursday September 9th and then lead the worship services on September 12th (playing the keyboard because she does not know how to play the organ) Samantha would be needed to accompany the choir second service for the anthem.

PPR will then meet at 6:00 on the 14th of September, interview both Regina and Mark (Regina at 6:15 and Mark at 6:35) as well as the three (or four) candidates for Director of Children's Minister. It can potentially be a long night.

I did have your proxy vote but Jeff felt (as did the committee) that the candidates should be interviewed.

I suppose you have the power to call a meeting prior to the 14th and we can interview and hire this week prior to the weekend but I don't know if Jeff would like that. Plus with a potential hurricane I'm not sure when we could do that. I believe that Jeff prefers Regina over Mark. The choir feels Regina isn't as experienced as Mark and :(again, speaking as a choir member) I know how much he drew from me in one 30 minute rehearsal and how excited I was at the thought of being in a choir directed by him each week. I don't think Jeff likes Mark but I can't say for sure or why I believe that to be true. Just a gut feeling.

I know that Jeff isn't feeling well. He has some issues with his Kidneys that are being looked at, potentially malignant. I didn't want to rock the boat tonight, especially since I don't have a PPR vote and we only had three present who do have a PPR vote. I believe I have failed the choir but Jeff reiterated that the choir does not hire the director, PPR does.

50 Years

The church, St. Marks UMC, is 50 years old.

I am 50 years old.

We have seen so much in 50 years.

The church, St. Marks UMC, has changed
     a LOT
in 50 years.

Me?
     not liking change,
has only changed physically
in 50 years.

We had a great celebration for the church, St. Marks UMC tonight
     continuing tomorrow.

I had a quiet, quaint celebration that was marked by
the death of Jim Richardson
     phone calls to circle chairs
     e-mails to ladies of the church

Reunions are amazing
     former ministers,
     former members
     current ministers,
     current members
memories shared, stories told
     laughter and
     tears
     hopes and
     fears

Celebrations are hectic
time-consuming
     carefully planned
  artfully designed
    spontaneously evolved
          callously embarked upon

50
congratulations church, St. Marks UMC

here's to the next 50!

Down and Out

I've been "writing" a book ... sort of. What I'm actually doing is setting all my old mySpace blogs into a Publisher document so that it could easily be published if I so desired it to be. There are a LOT of blogs there - I have so far finished the months of September, October, November, December (2007) and January 2008. The blog is complete through to July 2009 so I have a ways to go yet. I've not really been reading them, just cutting an pasting - that being said, however [comma], I did sort of pay attention to three poems written 31 January 2008. They were painful and raw. I am left pained and aching. By the time I got to Dr. Tiller's I was in a major state of depression (huge crocodile tears and all).

I suggested that maybe I have Bi-polar disorder because there are times (days even) when I am on top of the world, capable of anything, wholly competent and highly efficient (if only in my own mind!). Then there are days, like today, when I'm a fat, lazy, incompetent, good for nothing who can't do anything right, can't do anything at all.
I feel sprung.
Sprung?
Yes, like I have to wind myself so tight at times to just function that the wire has sprung and I'm unraveled.
Yet he doesn't perceive me as Bi-polar. He's seen me happy and filled with joy, he's seen me sad and depressed. He's not ever seen me manic. Ok fine, get me on semantics but he does only see me for an hour each week.

Of course he can't do anything for Bi-polar or depression pharmacologically because he isn't a Psychiatrist.
The best thing we can do to work on the depression is to look at whatever in your past is causing the depression. Will you agree to talk about what happened in the past even if you believe it to be a lie?
You mean come in here and say anything? No matter how ludicrous? No matter how far-fetched? Say whatever whether I'm lying or not?
Yes.
I don't think I can do that.
Why?
Someone will find out.
Who? Whatever you say will only be between me and you.
It is never just the two of us, I almost whisper, barely able to breath.
He gets this knowing expression on his face and nods as he asks, What could happen?
I don't know. I want to say 'bad things, very bad things'.
Will you agree to try?
I shake my head, tears streaming uncontrollably down my face. ANY thing that might work to lift this depression has to better than the way I'm feeling right at this moment.

I miss Dad, Chet, my father-in-law. I miss Mom, believe it or not. I miss connections that I had ten years ago - people, places, things. I miss the Thrift Shop, the LOWC, base-housing, Book Club, free nights, my children being young enough to need me. I miss being needed. I miss being capable. I miss who I was, parts of who I was at least. I want to feel strong again. I want to feel adequate. I want to know that I can accomplish all things.

I want to rewind time.

Wow!

It has been such an incredibly long time since I posted anything on my blog ... I didn't realize that until I posted a video on here this morning. I'm so sorry. Things have been a bit chaotic around here, well not really chaotic but definitely busy. PPR, SOCM, VBS, and now the 50th Anniversary of St. Mark's UMC. Not to mention visits to Dr. Tiller as well as mammograms, a biopsy, and bone density. The biopsy was fine btw, no cancer cells found in the fluid.

A dear friend however isn't so lucky. Her breast cancer has returned, with a vengence; she's have a mastectomy the end of the month. :'(

I'll try to be more faithful again.

Thanks for your patience.

10-Fold

PPR

Sunday is a PPR meeting -
- we have a LOT to discuss ...

•      Children's Minister
•      Director of Music

... and of course I have my own opinions of both.


First though we'll bring Deanna in and sing her praises and accolades for what she's done with the youth. I realize now that we made a mistake hiring Deanna. Shelby was right. Not that she doesn't enjoy Deanna and not that the youth program isn't ok with Deanna but I believe that we caved to the views and opinions of Jeff. I know, 'but Monica Jeff wasn't even there!' Yes but he let us know that he took both candidates to lunch and felt he could work better with Deanna than Helena. Of course he could - oh fool you are Monica - he has someone he could control sitting in yet another position in the church! I think that he couldn't have controlled Helena and he knew it and that's why he had issues with her.


Second we'll listen to the small committee that met to look at the applications for nursery attendant. They've narrowed the candidates (not sure how many there were) down to one for lead nursery attendant and one for assistant nursery attendant. What about the others? Not sure but then we did that too, the True North Committee so I guess I can't say anything. I know the name for the assistant nursery attendant is Jennifer Bellucci. Yikes, really? Ok I know that I know the history surrounding pre-school and Jennifer and maybe that is clouding my opinion but Jennifer? Really? 


Finally we'll talk about Children's Minister and oh he'll 'bring up the music ministry' (which I think he would have neglected had I NOT e-mailed him!). Here is what I'm going to say at PPR about these two issues:
     I am not sure that hiring a Children's Minister is a good idea. I believe that having so many 'paid' staff positions is ultimately hurting this church; we are not allowing for the opportunity for the lay membership to serve. Don't we, when people join our church, tell them to support this church with their time, their gifts, and their talents? I remember back in the day when the lay membership of this church saw a need and stepped in and filled the void. Leslie led a fabulous children's choir until she left the church. She led the adult chimes choir (when the chimes were new) until she left and then Sandy Guthrie took over. Nancy Riley, who had three sons who played the piano, determined that a children's chimes choir was needed and she got the kids together (her three, Christian, Dylan, Pierce, John, Tabitha, and Lisa) and led a children's chimes choir until they left and then June and Bonnie took over. The choir director's wife attended to the nursery when I first arrived at St. Mark's. Mary and Bonnie Everett were the youth ministers and Ted and Mark helped them out. Before Mary and Bonnie were the Thompsons and I think the Guthries even. Jennifer Eure saw a need for a children's ministry program and asked me to help her out (Shelby was like in 2nd grade). We met at the same time as youth and played games, had crafts and shared a Bible passage and Bible story as well as snacks. All of these were volunteers. All of these people saw a need and stepped out to help. What we need is not another paid staff member but to encourage the lay membership to fill the need. Heck, maybe they (the lay membership) don't see a void or a need. We need to discover the gifts of the members and then call them to serve God. I know, from experience, that people don't volunteer if someone is going to be paid. "Why should I do __ when __ is getting paid to do that?" When someone suggested to Adam that we hire male singers for the choir ... well, that was a disaster when he brought the suggestion before the choir. Everybody there said that they are there because they want to worship God, they want to serve, they want to lift up their gifts and talents in the service of God. The choir members serve and sacrifice out of their love of and for God and you wouldn't be able to say that about anybody who was there just because they are receiving a pay check. That is true for any other position in the church. And as for the children's Sunday School program? Well it's the parents who aren't staying for Sunday School so I think that we're addressing the wrong thing. We need to offer programs that will get the adults to stay and the children will have to be in Sunday School. 


     As for the music program - I've heard rumor going around that someone is in mind to lead the music program. That is so very wrong on so many levels. First, how did the rumor start? Second, PPR has not even met to discuss this issue and there are already rumors and speculations? Third, I personally spoke to Brian who said he does not want to lead the praise team, he already has too little time with Megan and Wyatt. He'll serve in the interim but he does not want the position permanently. I hope that isn't the rumor going around (I have not personally heard that rumor but Brian has been approached already). The rumor I have heard is that Leslie is returning her membership to St. Mark's and that it's been suggested that she's been promised the music director position. PPR needs to be very intentional in their hiring of the new Music Director ... we need to accept many applications, we need to interview and have each candidate direct the choir (to see if they (the choir) believe the person is good a director), we need a person who is willing to oversee children's music programs (not necessarily direct them but enable lay members to direct children's music programs), a person who can work with choir members who can't read music, a person who can lead the congregation in the congregational singing and teach new songs to the congregation, a person who is there to minister to the needs of those that are in the music program. And we need to make sure that our minister will communicate with this person - the pastor is ultimately in charge of all things worship and the two should work closely together week by week.


So ... that is where I am. I am not going to let Jeff place a puppet into these two positions. If I can help it. We'll see.