mid-morning medicine

sick ...

crawling back into bed - midmorning.

pull the covers up to my neck,

 h    e        h    e

s   v         s   v

  i     r         i     r

               R     I

            !!     B    G

               T     H

closed eyes

silence

music drifting softly

lyrics barely audible

purring in my ear

from little kitty on my chest

jingling collar jingling

as annie spins behind me

finding the perfect spot

to lay

        kcab - back

comfie

Voices rise and fall

Neighbors by their back door

Lawn Mower Motor Rises

Rumbles Over The Din of conversation

JET NOISE

the sound of freedom

soars over head,

one

     two

   three

        four

F-22s, fourship,

launching into the mid morning sky.

lawn mower rumbles to silence

neighbors door slams

    conversations ceased

gently breathing from behind

as annie deeply slumbers

joined by little kitty

curled against my tummy

lyrics float into my head

as the laziness of the day takes over

silent

dead

sleep

mid-morning nap

I Love Neil Gaiman

‎"Sometimes you wake up.
Sometimes the f
                        a
                           l
                             l kills you.
And sometimes, 
     when you f
                     a
                       l            y."
                        l,         l 
                           you f
                                   
— Neil Gaiman

Ok Mad is Done

I knew it wouldn't take long and that once I got the other side of the story I'd see reason.

I have and I do.

Jeff Sucks!

Phil,

I am hugely mad at Jeff and I probably should have talked to you personally instead of venting to Samantha and for that I am so sorry. Please please accept my apology. 

Mark (our best candidate for the position of Directory of Music Ministry) withdrew his resume for the position because of ill feelings that he got from Jeff as well as the fact that he applied a month ago and it seems (to him) that there has been one road block after another. The thing that made me really mad was that Jeff called Mark to talk to him (which Jeff says he has the right to do because he has to work with the Director of Music Ministry - I don't agree and I told Jeff so myself when I found out that he'd met with Regina, Betty, and Mark before I even contacted them!) and during the course of their conversation Jeff informed Mark that about the foibles of Adam (a person Mark does not know), about how mediocre the choir is, how there are some voices in the choir that are absolutely grating and that he (Jeff) wants an excellent music program. First, I'm in the choir and I'm offended that Jeff thinks we are mediocre. Second I'm hugely mad that he sabotaged our music ministry program by berating us in front of a potential Music Director. Third Jeff caused the absolute best candidate (and probably the one person who could turn our Music Ministry around) to have second thoughts about working at St. Marks.

I did tell Mark that Jeff does want excellence in his worship program. That Adam picked the hymns, the affirmation of faith, the praise songs, the choral call to prayer, prelude, postlude and when anything went wrong in worship Adam heard about it. I also told Mark that Jeff has grown this church successfully, we have more young families than in the history of the church, that he is great individually with a person or family that is in crisis and bends over backwards to be there for them in the crisis. However, he can be difficult to work with. 

Mark's wife told Mark after he met with Jeff in July that she believed he should not take the position and after I called Mark tonight and told him that we could not vote tonight because we lacked the PPR committee members he determined that this was God telling him to stay put where he is. Besides, Langley is offering to extend his contract and make it a 5 year deal. I couldn't argue with that. 

It hurts that Jeff would degrade his own choir in front of a stranger like that. I am finding more and more that I am beginning to despise Jeff and I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry to dump that on you. I am in a heck of a lot of committees in this church - I hear and see and heck of a lot of things. I hear the stories of those that have been hurt by Jeff (like George Curtis). I hear the stories of those who won't tell Jeff anything personal because they believe he will blab it all over the church and they want their privacy. I've shared in the difficulties of FLC overbooking because Jeff allows organizations to book over top of other organizations. I've had my own personal experiences of hurt and pain that Jeff has caused me personally. So yes, right at this moment I despise that man. I will get over it by morning, I always do. But I wanted to share this all with you while it is still fresh in my mind, while it still stings and while I'm still aching. He is a two-faced manipulator who dictates and seduces in order to get what he wants. I want him gone from this church. Is that detrimental to the church? Maybe. But that's how much I hurt right at this moment. 

I figure you'll share this him because you just will and he'll be hugely mad at me for saying any of this to you but right now I honestly don't care. Tomorrow maybe I'll feel way differently and wish that I'd not sent you this great big long e-mail, wish that I'd not made myself so vulnerable to hurt by you and by Jeff but not tonight, not right now. Right now I just had to purge it from me. Right now I just had to ask if I'm the only one who sees Jeff for who he is. Right now I just wanted you to know the kind of person he really is. 

I'm sorry, Phil. 

I also think that if I really am not a voting member of PPR then I shouldn't have the authority to form and lead a sub-committee to hire any of the music personnel. I will, if you want me to to but just know that I have no vote and so my voice is very limited. Maybe it would be better if you yourself hired the music personnel and just let me return to being a mediocre voice in the choir and the praise team.

Sorry. Really.

memonica

PPR Sucks!

Phil,

I am afraid that we could not vote on the Director of Music Ministry tonight. There were only three voting members of the committee present which is only 1/3 of the members (I guess I don't have a vote as the delegate and Dave doesn't have a vote as Lay Leader, I didn't know that!). We had to compromise (which yes I am upset about because I, as a choir member, really want to hire Mark Biondolillo as the Director/Organist). The compromise is this:
Mark will come in this Sunday, September 5th and play the organ/keyboard and accompany the soloist (so Samantha doesn't have to do that) for both services. Regina (who was the third choice of the choir) will come in and lead choir rehearsal on Thursday September 9th and then lead the worship services on September 12th (playing the keyboard because she does not know how to play the organ) Samantha would be needed to accompany the choir second service for the anthem.

PPR will then meet at 6:00 on the 14th of September, interview both Regina and Mark (Regina at 6:15 and Mark at 6:35) as well as the three (or four) candidates for Director of Children's Minister. It can potentially be a long night.

I did have your proxy vote but Jeff felt (as did the committee) that the candidates should be interviewed.

I suppose you have the power to call a meeting prior to the 14th and we can interview and hire this week prior to the weekend but I don't know if Jeff would like that. Plus with a potential hurricane I'm not sure when we could do that. I believe that Jeff prefers Regina over Mark. The choir feels Regina isn't as experienced as Mark and :(again, speaking as a choir member) I know how much he drew from me in one 30 minute rehearsal and how excited I was at the thought of being in a choir directed by him each week. I don't think Jeff likes Mark but I can't say for sure or why I believe that to be true. Just a gut feeling.

I know that Jeff isn't feeling well. He has some issues with his Kidneys that are being looked at, potentially malignant. I didn't want to rock the boat tonight, especially since I don't have a PPR vote and we only had three present who do have a PPR vote. I believe I have failed the choir but Jeff reiterated that the choir does not hire the director, PPR does.

50 Years

The church, St. Marks UMC, is 50 years old.

I am 50 years old.

We have seen so much in 50 years.

The church, St. Marks UMC, has changed
     a LOT
in 50 years.

Me?
     not liking change,
has only changed physically
in 50 years.

We had a great celebration for the church, St. Marks UMC tonight
     continuing tomorrow.

I had a quiet, quaint celebration that was marked by
the death of Jim Richardson
     phone calls to circle chairs
     e-mails to ladies of the church

Reunions are amazing
     former ministers,
     former members
     current ministers,
     current members
memories shared, stories told
     laughter and
     tears
     hopes and
     fears

Celebrations are hectic
time-consuming
     carefully planned
  artfully designed
    spontaneously evolved
          callously embarked upon

50
congratulations church, St. Marks UMC

here's to the next 50!

Down and Out

I've been "writing" a book ... sort of. What I'm actually doing is setting all my old mySpace blogs into a Publisher document so that it could easily be published if I so desired it to be. There are a LOT of blogs there - I have so far finished the months of September, October, November, December (2007) and January 2008. The blog is complete through to July 2009 so I have a ways to go yet. I've not really been reading them, just cutting an pasting - that being said, however [comma], I did sort of pay attention to three poems written 31 January 2008. They were painful and raw. I am left pained and aching. By the time I got to Dr. Tiller's I was in a major state of depression (huge crocodile tears and all).

I suggested that maybe I have Bi-polar disorder because there are times (days even) when I am on top of the world, capable of anything, wholly competent and highly efficient (if only in my own mind!). Then there are days, like today, when I'm a fat, lazy, incompetent, good for nothing who can't do anything right, can't do anything at all.
I feel sprung.
Sprung?
Yes, like I have to wind myself so tight at times to just function that the wire has sprung and I'm unraveled.
Yet he doesn't perceive me as Bi-polar. He's seen me happy and filled with joy, he's seen me sad and depressed. He's not ever seen me manic. Ok fine, get me on semantics but he does only see me for an hour each week.

Of course he can't do anything for Bi-polar or depression pharmacologically because he isn't a Psychiatrist.
The best thing we can do to work on the depression is to look at whatever in your past is causing the depression. Will you agree to talk about what happened in the past even if you believe it to be a lie?
You mean come in here and say anything? No matter how ludicrous? No matter how far-fetched? Say whatever whether I'm lying or not?
Yes.
I don't think I can do that.
Why?
Someone will find out.
Who? Whatever you say will only be between me and you.
It is never just the two of us, I almost whisper, barely able to breath.
He gets this knowing expression on his face and nods as he asks, What could happen?
I don't know. I want to say 'bad things, very bad things'.
Will you agree to try?
I shake my head, tears streaming uncontrollably down my face. ANY thing that might work to lift this depression has to better than the way I'm feeling right at this moment.

I miss Dad, Chet, my father-in-law. I miss Mom, believe it or not. I miss connections that I had ten years ago - people, places, things. I miss the Thrift Shop, the LOWC, base-housing, Book Club, free nights, my children being young enough to need me. I miss being needed. I miss being capable. I miss who I was, parts of who I was at least. I want to feel strong again. I want to feel adequate. I want to know that I can accomplish all things.

I want to rewind time.