Before entering the office of my Therapist he presented me with a journal article about Mandalas and two circles and asked me to read the article and he'd be with me in a couple of minutes. Ah, homework ... finally. I felt a slight twinge of guilt. I've requested homework from him so frequently and now he gives me homework just when I've decided to ... well ...
Today I announced to my Therapist that I would be coming to therapy only one day week now. "I would have told you that I think we need a break altogether except that my husband could be getting a job that will take him away from home many times for many weeks or months at a time ... " and under my breath I mentioned that it's during times of Ted being away that I believe "others" (if there are "others") tend to get active during the night and I get very little sleep.
He understood. Of course he did, he does, he ALWAYS does.
When I talked to myTed about this decision last night the conversation went something like this -- I am going to drop a day with Dr. T. Why? Because everything is going so well and I am so stable right now! He gave me a sideways glance. Define stable, he said with a wry smile. Well ... there isn't any 'switching', I don't drive for hours at a time anymore, I don't have incidents like that ... , I said pointing to the television which was currently broadcasting The United States of Tara on Showtime. I'm normal now, I said beaming. Define normal. I punched him in the arm.
Is he right? Am I? I don't know, but telling my Therapist that I will only be coming once a week felt right. I DO feel stable, calm, put together. I feel a peace I haven't felt in such a very long time as well as a confidence and assurance that causes my heart and soul to leap each morning.
Is this a sign of healing? Probably not. I told my Therapist that I find that if I just wake up every morning and tell myself that this is going to be great day and put a smile on my face and think good thoughts that sure enough the day turns out to be good and I am truly happy and feel good. "Like that AA adage", he said. I looked at him quizzically. "Fake it 'til you make it!" I smiled slightly. Yeah well I guess but not exactly - I mean I don't feel fake, I thought. "I think you've been faking it for a very long time" he continued.
"So when next time we meet we'll concentrate on the matters and concerns of today, of the present life which means focusing on people in your life, particularly one." I cringed a bit. Yeah, why? "You've had a couple of safe visits" he marched on, "and one not safe visit." "Yeah but that doesn't bother me" I smiled big. "Oh?" "I just don't think about it and things are great!"
So, am 'healed' enough to move to one visit a week?
"Good morning Lord, it's great to be with You again today. I'm glad You are going to be with me today. Help me in all I do and say today, bring a smile to my lips for all I meet today, place on my tongue kind and gentle words for all I speak with today. And when the day's over bring me home safely."
"Lord I believe, help my unbelief". Jeff set out to offer proof of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, which I mentioned here a couple of posts earlier; I have never doubted that Christ suffered, died and resurrected. Never. And yet I lack faith - I seek proof, I ask exhaustive questions and I trifle the pointless things.
There is a quote from Angels and Demons that I believe epitomizes ... well, me. It is where Robert Langdon is speaking with the Carmerlengo. Camerlengo Patrick McKenna: . Do you believe in God, sir? Robert Langdon: Father, I simply believe that religion...
Camerlengo Patrick McKenna: I did not ask if you believe what man says about God. I asked if you believe in God.
Robert Langdon: I'm an academic. My mind tells me I will never understand God.
Camerlengo Patrick McKenna: And your heart?
Robert Langdon: Tells me I'm not meant to. Faith is a gift that I have yet to receive Tonight I heard the voice of Christ while at True North and beyond that, on the drive home in a song on KLove.
Paul Colman - The One Thing From the album Let It Go
Here I am
In a river of questions
Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?
I see this life
It’s valley’s and mountains
And I think of all the roads that brought me here
Oh that brought me here
I’ve questioned my reasons
The life I’m living
I’ve questioned my ability t
To judge wrong from right
I’ve questioned all the things
that I’ve ever called certain
My race, my religion, my country, my mind
Chorus:
But the one thing I don’t question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Yea the one thing I don’t question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me Hold me
So Hold me
Well I’ve questioned my significance
Meaning and relevance
Does the work I’m doing really matter at all?
Well I’ve questioned my friendships
Alliance, dependence
Who will still be here when I fall?
Chorus: (2x’s)
Only one thing doesn’t change
Only one thing stays the same
All I know at the end of the day is your love remains
Chorus: (2x’s)
While I am not an academic I am forever on a quest, a student of philosophy and theology. "Lord I believe, help my unbelief" was my daily mantra.
I've been told that I am a pessimistic optimist who looks at the worst first but sees the hope always. I'm extremely dichotomous and ridiculously prejudiced. I love laughing though I never get the joke. I love watching the leaves dancing on the trees in the breeze, the clouds roll by through a deep blue sky and the stars twinkle at night. I am governed by the moon. I was dropped off, left under a rock in the New Mexico desert one dark night by the mother ship and I am anxiously awaiting my ride home - whatever planet that may be. The curious thing - my friends all agree.
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