forgive me, Lord

i cried endlessly last night,
my heart was heavy,
my mind raced,
my head heated ...
i am bitterly angry.

i leave the comfort of my bed,
after tossing for an hour,
after kicking my husband twice,
after elbowing his side once ...
i cannot sleep in that bed -

- not with her in the next room,
in my son's room,
invading my space,
my peace,
my grief ...
claiming my family!

and yes, i did listen to her story;
stressed from a 60 hour work week,
little pay that barely pays the bills,
and no ability to further herself in life ...
and i am unsympathetic.

she is jealous of so many others;
young adults who live with their parents,
my own son and daughter
who have help for living expenses
and school ...
a care - free - life.

she is jealous of her sister;
her "sugar daddy",
who has a wife who
"turns a blind eye",
her sister;
who is cared for,
and provided for
for her every need ...
and my neck hairs rankle.

and i want to throw her out
right then and right there.

and forgive me, Lord
but i do not care.
and forgive me, Lord
for my lack of compassion.
and forgive me, Lord
that i wish her to just disappear.

forgive my anger, Lord.
be disappointed in me, Lord,
for honestly ...
i will not change -
- MY husband
will NOT be
her "sugar daddy".

and i will NOT
turn a "blind eye".

forgive me, Lord,
for i hate ...