Disappointment

disappointment - n. a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized; "his hopes were so high he was doomed to disappointment"

I suppose that I am that noun - my hopes were set so high that i feel smacked with the potential of failure. Our attendance last night at True North was quite sad you see ... 25 people and there were 14 of us that were working (let me count the ways: John, Crystal, Jack, Kim, Kianne, Suanne, Brianne, Robin, Kevin, myself, Brian, Scott, Nick, Mark) to include band members, media, pastor, cookie baker, and team members. Five others were family members or significant others (Nick's girlfriend whose name I failed to get [shame on me!], Oenita, Tommy, Jimmy, Megan) of those involved in the service. Two attend faithfully (Mary and the young lady from St. Paul's Lutheran whose name I've forgotten[i know, i am soooo bad!]) each and every week. That left only four people (three St. Mark's regulars and 1 who for the life of me i cannot bring a mental image of into my brain) who had not been to True North before.

disappointed - adj. Thwarted in hope, desire, or expectation.

Disappointed? Oh heck yeah. Especially on the heals of the S/PPR committee meeting in which Pastor Jeff basically doomed us to failure; or so it sounded to me. sometimes i just wish that he'd keep his opinions to himself. i mean, how am i supposed to feel after being told that the minister of True North is not the right fit for such a service, that he [John] really has a heart for hospital chaplaincy, that the attendance has been seriously lacking and that the amount of monies collected each week is a trifle that isn't even enough to pay the lighting bills.

How do I pull myself out of this dejected feeling, this slump that causes my heart to fear and to withdraw, this lingering gut-wrenching feeling of desperation? Desperation is not what is needed right now, desperation is not helpful, desperation will only lead to impulsive actions and decisions that will (ok, could) cause the complete and total collapse and destruction of True North.

And yet ...

What am I to do? Where do I turn? (ok, i get how immensely selfish and arrogant those two questions sound - I am a part of a team and first and foremost I must MUST remember that it is 'what do WE do' and 'where do WE turn'!)

Obviously to God. We've known since day one that this has to be a god-driven service. We've known since our first service gathering that God has to not only guide us but lead this service. So?

So ...

So where does God seem to be? Where are those whose hearts he is touching and who he will (eventually) be bringing to our doors? I'm impatient, I know. I am results oriented, I know. We have now completed five weeks of a six-week sermon series and this weeks numbers suggest that the novelty has worn off and we are officially a fragile worship service that is limping upon on its last leg. Will next week be the death crawl into oblivion?

All I can do right at this moment is shed tears and plead to god for the salvation of this church mission. Lofty goals aside, i must pray for my own salvation as well which has seemed to be so immensely tied into the success of True North - almost as if i know that god will, would, could (ok, might maybe) consider my work and efforts when at final judgement i stand before the throne to be ... to be what? Condemned? I believe that deep within my broken heart. Will there truly be any deed or work or action (successful or otherwise) that can bring me into the arms of god even after my condemnation?

Have I been lying to myself and all the others all this time? Well of course I have been but I mean could I have so deceived myself?

When I told John last night that all I want from God, all I hope for from God is to be treated justly, when I said that I know that at that moment I was honest with myself, with God, and with another human being. I had hoped True North would help tip those scales of justice some what. Tip them how? I'm not sure yet. I know what I deserve, I guess I hope that the scales get tipped just a tad bit towards that grace and mercy that I hear so much about.

I'm fatally flawed and deserve nothing, no thing, absolutely no justice at all from god and yet here i sit with tears running swiftly down my cheeks praying for some sort of reprieve in the face of a struggling church that seems to be breathing its last dying death rattle.

God, remove me ME from this equation. Take this flawed and condemned person, that needs to see the success of True North for her own selfish purposes, away and apart from what I know can be all that You have desired it to be. Bring about a revitalization to True North that will bring hope and healing to all those whom you touch - that will bring strength and renewal to those who obediently follow your lead, and may True North be that beacon of light, that shining example of Your love, into the hearts and lives of this darkened community in which True North has been planted. Guide them oh Lord, let them feel and know your presence and may they ever trust in You. Amen and amen.