Trish...

...

This may hurt, but know that I speak out of love ❤️  and to cause you to reflect 🧐.
These words come from a place of what I have experienced of you.

Have you ever completed something you began, or told me you began? Aside from OxyPlayers.
1) When I first moved here (to Germany), after Pastor Debbie first took over, she offered distance Bible Study so I could participate. You told me you wanted to participate because you could not attend physically due to work. But you did not complete that. 2) You told me God was calling you to Lay Speaking, or beyond, and yet have you completed any further Lay Speaking courses? 3) You had wanted to be a USDA Volunteer, early on, or even help Jack and George with the Car Care but you were never able to make it, even on Fridays or Saturdays that you were off or when you were unemployed. And now, 4) You seemed upset that I had invited Jack alone to participate in the drawing challenge. Honestly it was because I believed he alone would commit to the challenge. Robin has surprised me. 😲

I honestly did expect you to quit because that has been my experience of you. Say “yes” but not complete. And I know Jack didn’t draw every single day. I know he draws for 4 or 5 days at a time and then uploads them each day. That’s fine. I knew Jack would complete the challenge if he accepted it. And I knew you would not. Jack, unlike me, learns nothing from the act of drawing. Jack just loves the opportunity to draw. He is good and he enjoys it. But at least it causes him pause and reflect, “hm Day 20-Someone I Love ... well that’s easy, the grandkids”. “Day 15-A Silly Monster ... I’m going to draw Big Foot relaxing on a beach in the sun with a foofie umbrella drink”. He may have had no thought beyond that but to me it screamed Jack needs some down time to just relax, maybe down in Florida because he misses it. But you didn’t get that far. You got to Day 9-My Favourite Candy. That is telling as well. Easy to draw because you are busy. Individually wrapped for convenience, because you don’t manage your time well. Dark chocolate with a burst of mint that lingers in your mouth long after. After tastes are always interesting experiences. It is the after taste of you not getting beyond day 9 that has led me to write this very long, verbose ponderism.

And I know you never want to hear the words unreliable because you believe yourself to be totally dependable. “Monica, look at work! I busted my butt there!” “Geesh Monica, what about my commitment to Danny?” “I was there through thick and thin at all the drama rehearsals and performances!” “I alone am still there with and for Suanne.”

Ok, I hear you.

Working 14 hours a day/7 days a week is taxing, draining, plain exhausting. You had no time for anything else at all when you worked O’Reilley’s. Not even for yourself.
And we have discussed that Danny relationship ad nauseum, I won’t go there.
And Suanne? Honestly, you are right, I did quit the “support group mentality”. She seems always to be in a pitiful state, Penny and Michael, her Mom and Grandmother are always getting to her. The girls as well. And she never takes any advice to heart. She does nothing to improve her situation, her emotional state, her mental state. I determined she enjoys the drama and I could not stay in that relationship for my own mental and emotional health. I can set boundaries and draw lines. Good on you to be empathetic enough to sit in the deep pit of wallow with her. I tried but I kept looking up at the blue sky with white puffy clouds that looked like dolphins playing happily in the ocean or pups chasing butterflies. It wasn’t for me. The dark, dank pit of misery and despair may fit Suanne but not me. And that you remain in that pit beside her, well ... that is telling.

If, IF you complete this journal book thing you began, I will take all these words and swallow them. But honestly, I don’t believe I will have to.

Prove me wrong. Or not. Really you have nothing to prove to me, only to yourself and God.

BUT you need to commit to something, Trish. You cannot be grey, you cannot sit on the fence. You can’t be both a sheep 🐑  and a goat 🐐 . You have to develop a passion for something. Heck even Suanne has a passion for something - herself and drama - but you? It was O’Reilley’s I suppose, sad as that is. Regain that passion for God that you once had. Take those Lay Speaking Courses. Earn that License and then get that Certification. You were called, called.by.God! Remember? And when you ignore a God call, well, life gets immeasurably more difficult.

Again, commit to anything, follow through, complete ... something.

Go ahead. Prove me wrong.

You can’t.

Extroverted Introversion

This is the time of the Sars-Corona Virus-2 2019 (CoVid-19). I write this just as a document of what is going on in the world - yes the world. 🌎 You see this is a pandemic, a global pandemic. As of today there are now 208 countries affected by this virus which causes pneumonia that leads to death in those who are aged and immuno-compromised.

The illness began in Wuhan, China (or believed to, how transparent China has really been is yet to be determined) the end of November or beginning of December. It rapidly spread from there though China took almost immediate actions to restrict movement. South Korea and Iran were the next two countries that were hit hard but both had counter measures in place. Poor Italy, with an aged population and little in the way of medical equipment and staffing (or so it seems) has been overwhelmed. They have the most deaths per capita and have lost 51 doctors throughout the months of February and March. Germany has the fewest deaths per capita at this moment with the US just a few numbers above us. The US could have been sitting pretty if the democrats had stopped fighting President Trump every step of the way since early January.

So Germany closed every non-essential business, travel, schools, and events early March. The US has just, this last 14 days, followed suit. Some states have closed borders. New York seems to be the epicentre now though Washington state was in late February. My niece, Riley, has missed out on everything “senior” at HS from prom to her choir and drama, senior trip, spring break in New York, off-broadway at Chrysler Hall. And she won’t get to walk for graduation. It is simply heart crushing.

I am an extrovert. Extrovert forced into the life of an introvert. No church. No Bible Study (we get to zoom which is absolutely terrific!), RE (we got to hold a zoom class for the first time Palm Sunday), no ROSC activities, no Bazaar meetings, Tres Dias met via zoom as well (thank God for the internet). No Bunko, no interactions closer than 6 feet with persons who do not live in my household, it’s hard.

I repeat ...

It’s hard!!!

So, life will continue. We are living a “new norm”, those who aren’t “covidiots” that is.

There are bonuses - the earth is recovering. Greenhouse gases are falling, pollution has reduced dramatically in places where it was the worst, like China. Climate Change has taken a slight reversal and weather patterns are somewhat normalising. People are praying more, they are eating at the table and they are cooking as a family. Parents are spending time with children, forced to since all schools are closed. There is creativity abounding as parents come up with new and inventive ways to entertain and educate.

How long this will last is anybody’s guess. Chancellor Merkel has suggested the end of April but the Passion Play has been postponed til 2022! The Olympics, which were supposed to be in Japan in July, are postponed until 2021.

I do believe God’s hand is at work, taking what has been meant for harm and using it for good.

I am drawing every day, and bible journaling. I have joined an online paint party that meets twice a week. We played Clue via FaceTime with the kids. Life is slower. It’s good. I will get by.

I will survive.

Concealed Depression

Depression is a very serious mental illness that often goes unnoticed for years. People with concealed depression are battling demons within themselves all on their own. They are not sharing their struggles and do not want to burden those around them.

You see, for most people wounds are not something we are open about. We tend to bottle things up and attempt to remedy them on our own. If you are reading this then you must know someone who you feel you need to better understand or you relate to this yourself. The following 15 habits are some of the most common I have noticed in people dealing with concealed depression.

1. The are often quite talented and very expressive.

Alot of famous people have suffered from mental illnesses, and this suffering gives them deeper emotions. If you really think about it, this is in some form a source to their greatness. While we cannot always see it, their struggles are often reflected in their works. These people are able to bring something beautiful out of the darkness that consumes them.

2. They tend to search for purpose.

We all need a purpose in this life. We want to be sure that we are in some form doing meaningful things. People suffering from hidden depression are not exempt from this. They too want to know the reason for their existence. They are much more susceptible to feeling things like inadequacy and anxiety which leaves them searching for something they can never seem to achieve in their own minds.

3. Sometimes they make muted cries for help.

Sometimes we all need help. When we are not expecting someone to feel weak or to be down in the dumps, we don’t see their cries for help. However, if you notice their cries and can help them in any way, you are creating a very close and trust filled bond with them.

4. They interpret substances differently.

Someone who is dealing with depression usually knows what it is they can take to ease their pain in a sense. They know that caffeine and sugar will raise their mood and that some medicines can help them. They actually have to put a lot of effort into feeling better, unlike most people. It is not as simple as taking a Tylenol when you have a headache.

5. They often have a very involved perception of life and death.

People suffering from depression often face their own mortality in moments of despair and seek answers to life’s deepest questions. They tend to shift from one terrible mindset into another. Sure, not all depressed people deal with suicidal thoughts, but some do.

6. They have strange eating habits.

People with depression may not be able to eat much or at all when they are at their worst. That being said some of them may eat more when at their worst. It varies from person to person.

7. They have abnormal sleeping habits.

People with depression will often sleep for what seems like or may literally be days. Sleep at times can be impossible while other times could be the only thing left that the person can do. When a person is depressed they are dealing with a state of helplessness that will rock their world.

8. They have abandonment issues usually.

If you have dealt with abandonment then you know how terrible it can be. When someone walks out of your life it can be a devastating, but this impacts those with depression much more than other people. It causes them to be more and more secretive about their feelings and creates a fear within them of being abandoned by their loved ones.

9. They are professionals at coming up with ‘cover-up’ stories.

They are able to come up with believable elaborate excuses for the things they are going through. Like if they skip an appointment or don’t return your calls for days. They can easily change the subject when things like this come up and turn the attention away from their pain.

10. They might have habitual remedies.

There are several different lifestyle changes a person can make as an attempt to ease their minds. For instance, these people may do things like exercise, listen to music, go walking, and so forth.

11. They are aways making efforts to seem happy.

People suffering from depression learn to fake moods. They will often come off as happy and normal on the outside. When they let their inner struggles appear on the outside they feel as if they are bringing others down.

12. They seek love and acceptance.

People with hidden depression are not hiding their depression because they want to be dishonest, they are just working to protect their hearts. These people want to be loved and accepted just like everyone else.

13. They have trouble shutting off their brains.

These people process everything going on in their lives at a fast speed. They over analyze the good and the bad making everything impact them much deeper. Their brains are like sponges absorbing everything that comes their way.

14. They hurt when other people hurt.

When other people are suffering it brings them down to their worst points. This sort of thing often triggers their emotional pain and can be crippling.

15. They always think of the worst-case scenarios.

While this is very stressful it can be beneficial from time to time. A high intelligence seems to be linked with depression, and they are able to respond to anything that comes their way. This makes them good problem solvers for the most part.

If you or someone you care about is suffering from concealed depression either get help or offer a helping hand. Fighting this alone is not easy or productive. The world can be a wonderful place if you get the help you need nothing can stand in your way. You are not a burden to others and the people who love and care about you want to help you, let them.

Dear Bishop

Altar calls? At conference? Do you have any idea how uncomfortable altar calls are for some people? For a person? For me?

Do you even care?

Altar calls are very "baptist" in my perceiving mind and thinking. We are United Methodists! My only experience with altar calls has been at my mammaw's southern baptist church in New Mexico; Temple Baptist Church specifically, where Reverend Penrod would reward members for inviting friends to church. Where Reverend Penrod would call the adults to come put their house in order all while his own house was fraudulent and unscrupulous. 

Sunday School was a joke. Rewards for bringing your friends. I didn't have friends I could, or would, ever invite to that church. I received no prizes. But some brought many friends. A few earned themselves a shiny new television set. That was what Sunday School was, a means of earned grace - favour in the eyes of the pastor. Works above faith, because as we all know "faith without works is dead". Right?

And church was no better. Fire and brimstone for the sinner spouted from a preacher who beat his wife, embezzled funds, and displaced deacons right and left. Then came the altar call. I heard the murmurs, the talk; I was 8 years old, why was I not going forward and "accepting Christ"? 2 reasons you old ladies: 1) Christ doesn't need my acceptance, and 2) I hear the words of judgement you spit out about everyone who goes to the altar for prayer, for confession, for a clean heart and a clean slate. Music playing Just As I Am does not drown out your whispered, critical words. So what if he had an affair, if she goes to the bar after dark, that they like to "swing". Let God judge the sinner, YOU tend to YOU!

I would never subject myself to that...gossip. Ever. And yet - 

and yet, 

i did. 

Before my 17th birthday, before my parents were to remarry, each other. Strange yes, I know. As soon as my mother announced her intentions I found my way into the little sanctuary of Hacienda Baptist Church. An there, before God and people I barely knew, I confessed my need for Jesus Christ. But it was a fluke thing that did not ever stick, or was never real...don't know which. I am never assured I have opened the door to the ever knocking Jesus. I lack the ability to trust. And because I trust nothing I feel no assurance, and that is terrifying. So I work. I “serve”. Because after all, 

"faith without works is dead".

I am not comfortable with altar calls. Church is very abusive to some people. To one person. To me.

Thank you for listening to my rant, Bishop. 

meMonica

through her years

myShelby turns 21!

Away We Go to MAKE IT HAPPEN!

http://voice.adobe.com/v/WCEvgVqK4Xo

Hope Into Confidence

Today I shared a meal with Pastor Gay Brown Hall, our newly appointed minster charged with shepherding our congregation. It was a delightful meal and I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know more about her; we shared stories, we laughed, and yes, I cried...I'm way too sensitive at timepinknow. The reason I share all of this with you is because of the confidence that I am filled with after we parted ways. 

I have always had hope in the ongoing ministries within St. Mark's. 

I have always held hope for new and continued missions from St. Mark's.

I have always maintained hope of a bright and sustaining future for St. Mark's.

How have I managed to hold this hope? Because of who St. Mark's is. Beyond the buildings and the walls, the altar and the cross, the organ and the paraments. It is you, me, we the people. We who are so welcoming, we who love and share our lives so completely with each, we who are one family in God through Christ Jesus.

This afternoon my hope has been turned into confidence.

I am confident that the ministries of St. Mark's will be ordered as God has need.

I am confident that our outreach and missions here at St. Mark's will have a significant impact upon our local and surrounding communities.

I am confident that God has a plan for St. Mark's that will carry us now and into the future.

I have this confidence because of the assurance I felt from my conversation with Pastor Gay. I am assured that she will work with us and am confident that we will work with her. Together we will discern and vision God's design and path for us. Together we will develop programs and ministries to accomplish great things for God's glory. Ministry with. That is a great feeling that moves me from hope to confidence. I pray that your hope is moved to confidence as well as together, Pastor Gay, your ministry leaders, and you all, work into God's vision for St. Mark's.