Love As God

Extravagant Giving - Yeah Right ...

Maybe I'm totally crazy ...
Maybe I will be in huge trouble from myHubby ...
When is extravagant giving going too far? Not far enough?

I went into Farm Fresh, bought a few things, came out of Farm Fresh and there was a slightly older than middle-aged gentleman in a wheel chair who was pandering. He claimed to be a Veteran but that wasn't important. He claimed to have been homeless but just recently was able to get a place and needed funds for food and things for the apartment but even that wasn't important. What was important was that he was the first panderer I had seen since I had gotten this huge gut feeling to give funds to a person in need.

Except --

-- except I didn't do what I should have done.

Give all that you have to one who has nothing.

You see I have been carrying $500.00 around with me while I try to decide if I want to buy an iPad. "What do you need an iPad for?"
That question has been haunting me for two months. So now I have been walking around for a week and a half with the funds to purchase one and haven't yet.

Give all that you have to one who has nothing.

Except --


-- except that I couldn't bring myself to give it all away. I gave the slightly older than middle-aged gentleman in the wheel chair who may or may not have been a Veteran and who may or may not have had a recently acquired apartment a mere 10 %. That's right, $50.00 of the $500.00.

I guess that means that I have failed ... didn't even come close to passing the test.

Give all that you have to one who has nothing.
The slightly older than middle-aged gentleman in the wheel chair was extremely grateful, even gave me a hug as his eyes brimmed with tears.
I felt only slightly blessed.

Give all that you have to one who has nothing.

I have failed you God. Forgive me ... please.


Update:
I got into the car, still feeling some guilt and shame and knowing that I had failed God and let him down, and started driving when I heard a song on K-Love before I even got off of Diggs. I don't know who sings the song or what the title of the song is but the words that I heard were: he's not mad at you, he's not disappointed in you or something like that. I can't find it on K-Love or in lyric search but I know what I heard and it was amazing because it was like God himself telling me that it was alright and that he wasn't mad at me for the choice that I made or disappointed. His grace is more than sufficient.

Look for the signs and wonders of God. Tell others of the signs and wonders of God. Be filled with awe again.


Wow!

World Cup Tension!

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ Let's go U S let's go ❤¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ Let's go U S let's go ❤¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ Let's go U S let's go ❤¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ ♪♫•*¨*• .¸¸❤¸¸. •*¨*•♫♪ U S A!! U S A !! U S A !!

OMG, what an amazing set of group games today. U S against Algeria - what a nail biter. The U S has had so many chances to score but just haven't been able to place it IN the goal!! England is up by one over Slovenia but  Slovenia has really been putting the pressure on. Both games are tense. The U S REALLY wants Slovenia to win so that we do NOT have to play England for the group final game. However, I'm not sure that Slovenia can pull it off. We'll see. but there is less than 5 minutes left in the game (not including stoppage time). Oh wait, I got my information wrong - Slovenia HAS to win so that the U S can advance at all!!! Oh my gosh! This is a nerve-wracking group!!


UPDATE: Slovenia lost against England and the U S beat Algeria by one in the 91st minute of the game. Slovenia is officially out. We have taken the group because of goal differential. "We're alive." -- Donovan

Dimly I see

FOR NOW WE SEE IN A MIRROR DIMLY ...

NOW I KNOW IN Part

BUT THEN FACE TO FACE ...

THEN I WILL KNOW FULLY 

JUST AS I ALSO HAVE BEEN FULLY KNOWN

Lord give me patience 

to wait upon you and your ways

Grant me the spirit of calm

in the midst of this tragedy

comfort my soul and guide all my ways

praise You in this storm

and we'll praise you in this storm
and we will lift our hands
for You are who You are
no matter where we are
and every tear we've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left our side
and though our hearts are torn

we will praise you in this storm

i know it's not all about me but still ...

sometimes i think that i prefer the god of my childhood - 
     - the god who told me to invest all my energies in him
     - the god who told me the only relevant relationship in my life is the relationship i am to have with him
     - the god who demanded all my attention, all my devotion, all my love

here in my adult life, with my adult mind, i find that God is a god who is all about relationships -
     - personal relationship with God himself
     - social relationship with people
     - just relationship with all things around me

when i was a kid people were not very significant in my life. i wasn't invested in people, didn't form relationships with people (or at lest didn't form lasting relationships with people), didn't particularly 'love' or care about people.

now i'm an adult and i find that having a relationship with God through Christ Jesus means being in relationship with others, 'loving' those around me, being vulnerable and caring for them.

honestly, right now, that stinks!
honestly, right now, i find that i just want to curl up in a ball and shut out the world and pretend that the God of my adulthood never made such demands on me.
honestly, right now, i believe, that the God of my adulthood is crueler than the god of my childhood. 
     how cruel it is for God to demand that i 'love' others and then to cause them to be ripped from heart.
     how dare God cause me to deeply care for another and then burden my heart so with the prospect of his death.
     how could God bring me to a point of vulnerability and then crush my soul and cause such pain?
     how could a 'loving' God do this to any one at all;
          why does suffering have to exist?
          why can't God recreate the Garden, Utopia, sanctuary?
          why doesn't He bring about His kingdom on Earth now?

i sit here and feel the pain and hurt of the suffering of a dear friend, of the pain and sorrow that he and his wife and family are going through.
i sit here and shed tears for him, for her, for their dearest friends, for myself.

it was easier when i was kid and didn't have to feel. and i imagine that, since i am created in the likeness of God, that these feelings are not lost upon God. i imagine God feeling these same feelings; the hurt, the pain, the suffering, the sorrow. i don't believe that God ever intended life to be so filled with such heartache when He created all of the universe and everything within it.

i long for the light to guide us through the darkness. i long for the strength that surpasses all understanding. i pray for the comfort and care of my friend and for his wife and family and friends. i seek comfort for my own self this night as i weep and grieve for the inevitable loss.

why do we have to get sick, why do we have to die, why must we be separated one from another? i don't pretend to understand; i pray only for the patience to wait upon the Lord for God's Kingdom come when i will be reunited with those that i have cared about ... those that i have 'loved' ... those that my heart longs to see.

you are in my prayers jim and joann.
you are being remembered this night bill and mary alice.
my heart breaks with yours sally.
my thoughts turn to my st. mark's family this night especially.
my soul cries out to my Lord and my God and i thirst.